Thursday, May 28


I'm posting at

bye guys

Monday, March 30


So... I've been gone for a little while. Ooops.

No excuses. I started putting everything else ahead of my blog time when we all know how much you need me. I'm sorry sweeties.

The good news is that I'm in the new apartment as of today. AND I have vodka. I know, big surprise, right? The even better news is that I should have wifi by the end of the week. So I'll be back permanently soon.

Don't worry - I won't expect fatted calf until I've posted consecutively for a week. I've missed you guys.

Love ya!

Tuesday, February 24


I write my parent's eulogies in my head sometimes and I have no idea why. Sometimes I'll be driving and hear a song on the radio that will prompt the writer in my head to start scribbling. Sometimes i'll come out of a daydream and a phrase or sentence will be there.

Inevitably it makes me teary eyed. I don't want either of my parents to die. It isn't something that I like thinking about. I don't sit around writing any of this stuff down either - this is more like snatches of dreams that float through my mind. They are disturbing and sometimes painfull. I have NO idea why I'm sharing this with you guys except I came up with a great sentence this morning that totally summarized my relationship with Papa G. Of course, I've forgotten it now.

While I'm on this funeral kick - I have a playlist for mine. Well, not so much the funeral itself, but for the vodka soaked wake I'm all set. Here's a sample...

American Girl - Tom Petty
She Came In Through The Bathroom Window - The Beatles
People Get Ready - Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions
If It's Magic - Stevie Wonder
Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan
With or Without You - U2
I'll Work For Your Love - Bruce Springsteen
For The Good Times - Ray Price
A Rose is Still A Rose - Aretha
Steppin Out With My Baby - Tony Bennet
Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra
Strength, Courage and Wisdom - India
#41 - Dave Matthews
Leeds - Indigo Girls

Wednesday, February 18


It seems the NYP ran a cartoon depicting the shooting of the chimpanzee that went on a rampage (which is sick enough) and the tagline referenced President Obama. I'm not going to link to the cartoon. I know you can find it ten million other places on the web.

It's sad that people in this country still try to deny their fellows citizens humanity based on skin color.
It's sad that other people think it's funny.
So - no more gossip rag for me.
All I have to say is: FU NYP.

Saturday, February 14


MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family tree templates - Pedigree

I don't think I look like any of these people...but apparently the computers do!

i heart you

I'm at work. On Valentine's Day. Which is fine because I am SO single, but I love my job.
And my minions.
Hope you're all having a great day!

i heart u

Monday, February 9

listen to what the man said

So I'm listening to President Obama talk about the economic stimulus package tonight and something struck me about his arguments for it. He was talking about a specific proposal (I'm going to paraphrase here) to retrofit government buildings to be more energy efficient. Apparently there are some questions as to how this is stimulus. Well first it creates and/or saves jobs immediately, because someone has to plan and then do the actual work, so there are people who get paychecks they can then use to pay bills and feed their families, which sounds like stimulus to me. Oh, but it will also end up saving the taxpayers money on fuel to heat and cool those buildings, so we could use the money to do other things. And then there's the added bonus that we won't be wasn't that energy anymore. Like he said - how is this a bad idea?

He basically just laid it out there, step by step. In the half hour I've been watching he's done that over and over. Someone asks a question and he takes them through the answer step by step (except on Iran, because he totally didn't want to answer that one).

I'm reading my book and listening with half an ear but I keep glancing up at the TV because something is different. Something has changed. It's more than the fact that we have a President who can talk in complete sentences without bumbling and shuffling and whinig about how it's hard. It's that I'm hearing something out of Washington that I haven't heard in a damn long time...

what's that sound?


I'm just sayin'...

Sunday, February 8

I had my good eye to the darkness...

and my blind eye to the sun...

I hate being sick-it gives me too much time to think. I can’t really do anything else. I’ve read all the books I own and I don’t have the energy to get myself to the library. I’ve seen all the movies I own and don’t really feel like watching them again. There isn’t anything on TV that holds my interest, so I take some NyQuil , put in a West Wing DVD and doze.

I’m a horrible patient, even for myself, and this round of sickness – a head cold that I’ve had three times in as many months, is straining my relationship with me. My mind skips in fits and starts across my past and my dreams become disturbing, filled with images that make no sense and leave me questioning myself when I wake.

Whoever came up with that “sticks and stones” nonsense should be shot, because it just isn’t true. Years ago he told me that I was insane and should be committed and I have never been able to shake the sound of his voice saying those words from my head. They tainted all the wonderful memories of his voice before them. Even though I know it isn’t true. Even though I know that everything he said then was a palliative to make it easier for him to excuse kicking me onto the street, literally, those words crop up again when I am at my most vulnerable. They make me want to tell all of his secrets to the people he loves. They make me want to hurt him. They make me realize why victims of crime should never sit on a jury.

Then I think about Nicole andVal and Susan and how alike they are. Do I attract a certain type of friend? Nicole in high school, Susan in college, Val now. I’d be fine with it except for the fact that I seem to have to lose one to move on to the next. I miss you, Susan, just not the person I was when I knew you. I doubt that you miss me.

I remember driving down a winding coastal two lane highway late at night in SC and thinking about turning the wheel into the path of the truck coming towards me. I remember thinking that it was a beautiful night to die. Instead I drove home. Still, I doubt I’ll ever drive to Edisto Island again.

Listening to Working on a Dream now sends me back to the nights I stayed up for hours playing The Rising over and over again. So much happened in my life in 2001 that by the time I got that album in 2002 it seemed almost like a lifeline; Bruce’s voice and the bands’ music pulling me up and out of the darkness more than the shrink or the meds. It was not abstract, that music was something firm that I could hold on to when everything around me turned to quicksand.

The days are racing towards my 30th birthday and my last cigarette. It feels like someone dying slowly – every day is a goodbye.

My life is presenting me with so many opportunities to live up to the things I preach. I’m not sure I have the energy to do it all sometimes. Other times I wish I could skip ahead, through the next few months which I am sure will be hard and full of tests and trials. Then again I think that I have everything I need to move forward and that each moment, especially the hardest of them, should be savoured.

Sometimes I look at how far I’ve come and I cry for where I was then, and how far I have to go. Sometimes I look back in anger. Sometimes I look forward with fear. Sometimes I don’t look, I just walk on.