Monday, November 27

On the Day Before

If I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold in the rainbow
Nothing panned out as I planned....

And there's always retrospect
When you're looking back
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so
I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up
Where I started again
Makes me wanna' stand still

So much to say. I had a great weekend up until the very end, when it all went to hell and as much as I might like to just focus on the happy-fun side, that is just not the kind of person that I am. I didn't think anything of the fact that I kept listening to Watershed, by the Indigo Girls all weekend. It's not unusual for me to get one song stuck in my head, so I didn't pay any attention to it. I was distracted by all the happy-fun... and green eyes. I'm not one of those people who lives their life by a horoscope or consults 'the cards', but there are signs. If you're listening to the song that was playing when you realized you were in love with a certain bastard over and over all weekend (no matter how good it is) you can't really be surprised when he shows up at your apartment while you're eating cheesecake in your pjs. Of course I was surprised. Shocked. Could have been knocked over with a feather and all that. It seems that the friends I had run into in DC had run into He Who Shall Not Be Named the next night and given up the deets. This just reinforces my 'life sucks' Theory of Everything. It would have been different if I had come to the door looking fabulous and found him 40 pounds heavier and balding. But no. There I was in my flannel snowflake pajamas with the cheesecake in my hand and we won't even talk about my hair b/c it's too embarrassing. And he was still- him. So, now the rat bastard is sleeping on my couch while I'm at work. We're going to have dinner tonight and "catch up" and then he'll be on his way to make some other woman's life miserable. I don't want him here. I want to leave work, make myself a leftover turkey sandwich with brie and cranberry sauce. I want to sit on my couch and watch the game and Studio 60. I want to put on my Cheesehead and scream at the TV like an idiot. I had PLANS!!!! I know, it's my own fault. I could have slammed the door in his face. Except I couldn't. Do you ever stop loving the first person you loved? It's been seven years since he left for Cali, at least five since I've heard anything from him, and still it's like it was all yesterday. Except I'm not naive little girl dreaming of bright lights and Oscar acceptance speeches. I have a life and I am building a future brick by brick. So maybe five years from now I'll look back on this and laugh. Right now it's just another thing in a packed day that I don't want to deal with.