Saturday, November 18

Mom's Birthday


So, my mom's 62 birthday was yesterday. She had great one, which was partly on my account (yea me!) but mostly because of the life she has right now. It is extremely lowering to admit that I am jealous of the social, and quite frankly, the internal, life of a 62 year old woman. I am 27 and I spent last night the way I spend most nights. I made dinner, debated cleaning my kitchen and doing laundry, decided against both and settled down to read a book and watch a West Wing episode on DVD. That was my friday. Not so distinguishable from most of my other days. My mother, OTOH , wrapped up a full week of going out with friends and family and generally having a great time with a family dinner and then going out to her favorite places with people she really likes. A 22 year old guy that she works with baked her a pumpkin pie for her birthday, that's how cool my mom is. I would rather hang out with her than anyone else I know. Including myself. Here's the thing: I am a reasonably intelligent and attractive single young woman. I have a good job. Not great, but it'll do for now. I have plans for my future and a generally optimistic attitude. People like me. So what the hell am I doing sitting at home on a Friday night? What the hell is wrong with me????

I know that part of it is my own doing and part is circumstance. I moved to this port city in Virginia with a boyfriend who is no longer my boyfriend. I don't know anyone here that I don't work with and it is hard to meet people once you're out of school. I am ridiculously nostalgic for a tight knit crowd of college friends. I went to college in Charleston, SC the city where my family lives and was never at a loss for things to do or people to do them with. I knew the place and the people well enough that I was completely comfortable going out at night by myself. It was a rare night that I didn't bump into someone I was related to, friends with or who was a friend of a relative...relative of a friend... you get the picture.

So, the question now becomes, how do I re-enter the social world? There are so many options. I could volunteer someplace and soothe my liberal guilt while meeting people and helping others, I could hang out with people from work, join a gym, a book club, ten million options come to mind and if I was giving someone else advice I could make a small booklet of ideas. Ideas are not the problem. Time is, a little bit. I do work a lot. More than that is the comfort of wallowing. There is always another book to read, movie or show to watch. There is always an excuse. I've become comfortable with my isolation to the point where I just don't want to talk to people. I want to be left alone at the same time that I am awash in loneliness.

The beginnings of a plan to fight this ennui are forming, slowly but surely. First, whatever the thing is that I most DO NOT want to do is what I will do first. I know that I'll feel better once the laundry is all folded or the sink clear. If I can't stand the thought of people I am going to go out to dinner. Well, that's the plan anyway--we'll see about my willpower.
So the plan for day after work is to start things off with a bang: Grocery shopping, laundry AND cleaning! And tomorrow? I'm going out to watch the football games. Out of my house and downtown!!!

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