Thursday, December 27

Read This Post

Thank you, Heart In San Francisco, for this tribute.

Wednesday, December 26

Go Home Now!!!

Here's the thing, minions. Every single thing in the world is on sale. Go shopping, have some fun! (seriously - three pairs of new shoes at 50% off can change your outlook on life)
Your friends and family would LOVE to come over for dinner tonight. You should go home right now. I know, I know, you can't all do that. I get it. But tonight, when you go home take a second to call someone just to say hi. Make plans to go out with someone who is away from their loved ones. Invite people over to watch a movie. Snuggle with your pets.
I get to spend this evening with my family. We're having a little party at Mama G's house and I am so excited! I wish the same for all of you: family, friends and never ending holidays.

Saturday, December 22

Buy You A Drink, Drank, Drunk

Mama G is getting me toasted and talking about how we're making memories. She cracks me up.
Just so you don't think that all we do is eat and drink we're also... we do is eat and drink. Oops! OH - we talk about men too!
She won't turn her iPod Shuffle off so she's being sooo loud right now. Did I mention that she's adorable? That's not just the alcohol talking, Mama G rocks! (except when she's stealing my clothes b/c she thinks I can't type and keep an eye on my designer labels at the same time...soooo busted).
NE Way
Just wanted to let you all know that I made it to Chucktown safely and that I am appropriately intoxicated.
We're drinking Holiday Mamas - a Bahama Mama w/ Champagne. YUM!

ps - go to Colonel Mustard and the Condiments on MySpace to hear tracks from their new cd. Friend them damnit! Best college band to come out of the College of Charleston in this millenium! DO IT NOW!!!

Friday, December 21

This Christmas (the song-not the movie)

OK minions, here’s the plan:
After work I’m going straight home to pack up my car and get some sleep. My alarm will go off at 3 am and some time before 4 I will be on the road to Chucktown. Mama G will still be sleeping peacefully, visions of cooking for her baby girl dancing in her head.
Saturday is all about catching up with Mama G, eating great food and getting my laundry done (hopefully not having to do it myself).
Sunday we’ll be driving to Charlotte, NC where one of the Amazing Cousins of G is living. She has to work Festivus Eve and on the day after Festivus, so we’re bringing the holiday to her. I want to dress up as elves, but Mama G’s too classy for that…pout.
We’ll be back in Chucktown on Santa Day afternoon to continue the revelry. I’ve got all my relatives to go see (that’s about half the population of Chucktown) and my college buds and their new spouses/children (why they feel the need to make me feel both old and immature I will never know) before New Year’s Eve.

This NYE will be all about Papa G and V. Yes, V loves me soooo much (felt soooo guilty) that she’s hitting up the Chucktown for a NYE Smackdown! YEA! We’ll be having a super swanky dinner and then going to party after party after party.
Jan 1, 2008 I’ll be back on the road to Hampton Roads and everyone in VA can come out of mourning. All in all I expect an action packed holiday vacation which will leave me in need of a vacation! I’ll try to blog between the drunkenness, revelry and general mayhem, but if I were you I wouldn’t expect too much from me.

Thursday, December 20

Is That Mistletoe in Your Pocket...

All I’m going to say about the Christmas Party is that I got exactly what I wanted. It was sweet and I’m still a little giggly, so we will move on.

Minions, when trying to decide whether to get the green or yellow GB Packers hat for G, do what the BPM did and get both! Yea for him!
Yea also, for the salesman who got me two gift cards to Outback (where the onions bloom year round).
Many yeas for the bartenders who know that the juice in a vodka drink is there merely for color.

Yea to the seven year old who had a brownie eating contest with me (I so totally won-it was NOT a tie)
Yea to Cinnylu who made her super garlic salsa today for all of the hangovers trying to run the office.
Super yea to whoever thought of this: Call this number to talk to Santa 713.331.9135
But the biggest yea of all is that V, BPM and I are going to Krush for dinner tonight. I can almost taste it now…
So, what kind of antics are my minions up to?

Wednesday, December 19

Me I Want a Hula Hoop

Today is Office Christmas Party Day! There will be a cookout at lunch, presents all day long and then the party at 5:30. Free booze anyone? Come on over! Yes, they did buy a bottle of vodka just for the G. I am loved.
Since we haven’t really had time to, what with this that and the other thing (all of those being me being deserted by my best friend) let’s talk about the BPM. The Big Pharmaceutical Minion is a friend of V’s from high school. She’s been trying to hook us up since the summer. I wrote about him before, dedicated minions can do a BPM search since I’m too lazy to link. We had a huge fight the first night we met, then there was Joe and I just didn’t think about him as anything other than V’s friend and then mine after a while. I still don’t know exactly when things started to change. I’ve been obsessed lately with Alicia Keys new CD, As I Am, and I think maybe it’s turning me into the most dreaded of all things: a mushy, girlie girl. We went to dinner a couple of weeks ago and maybe it was the way he smiled at me or the fact that we talked and laughed so long that we closed down the restaurant that started to change my mind. I don’t know.
What I do know is that he’s coming to the Christmas party tonight and I am wearing a killer dress. (Yes Susan, that means cleavage) So think good thoughts for me tonight minions…or bad ones... either way this should be fun.

Tuesday, December 18

Pooh Bear

V is leaving me.
Fine, if you want to get technical about it she’s leaving work to go back to school to become a teacher and save the damn world. Whatever.
Who’s going to listen to my craziness? Who’s going to make me crack up? Who’s going to tell me when I’m being stupid, or which shirt to wear, or what new movie is out? Who will I go to dinner with and talk about men with? Who can I bitch about work with?
Do you see what I’m saying, minions? This is about ME and I don’t think she’s really thought this through.
Yes, the school system is practically crawling on its knees begging for math teachers but do I really have to sacrifice my best friend just so some kid can learn algebra? Does anyone even use algebra any more?
This will be my last week getting to work with V. We’ve made plans to hit up Chucktown in March and I’m sure we’ll be visiting each other, but this is the last week we will see each other every day. It bites.
I am so proud of her for figuring out where she wants to go and for putting herself out there. She has grown so much in the two years we’ve known each other and I am proud to say that she is my friend. V’s a great friend. She listens, she’s supportive but she will also kick your ass when you need it and she keeps secrets. Well, not usually from me, but she can do it.
I am going to miss her no matter how much we keep in touch. I am going to miss her daily presence in my life. She brightened it every day.
So now instead of being my best friend in VA she’ll be my best friend in NC. Soon she’ll be the best teacher in NC and hundreds of children will learn something I already know: V is a person you are lucky to know.
I love you sweetie poo poo face. Good luck.

Damn it.

Saturday, December 15

Ironic Irony

First let me say that I have the best minions in the internets. Thanks for your concern yesterday. I got about four hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling MUCH better. Hopefully I've turned the corner.
Things I shouldn't do when sleep deprived:
1. Email men I'm interested in.
2. Order food at drive thrus.
3. Try to have a conversation with my boss.
4. Speak.
5. Drive.
6. Dress myself.
7. Think.
8. Make decisions.
9. Flirt.
10. Leave my bed to go into the outside world.
I made a sleep deprived fool of myself but more on all of that later.

And here's the ironic irony of the day. Sometimes the universe completely has my back - I'm lovin' it!!!

Friday, December 14

Wake Up Call

I haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep in four nights now. I sleep in odd half hour snatches and wake feeling completely run down, bitchy and oversensitive. In an effort to spare you, my beloved minions, my wrath I'm taking a leave of absence until I can make it through the night. Wish me luck, I'm getting pretty damn close to my breaking point.

Tuesday, December 11

God Bless The Child

Am I the only one who sees the uncertainty in the smile? The insecurity in the stance? The need in the eyes? When I look at my 4year old self am I seeing the picture or the memories? I want to gather her on my lap and hold her close. I want to snuggle her and tall her silly stories while I play with her curls. I want to wipe her tears and tickle her until that almost smile breaks into uncontrollable laughter.
I want her to not grow up craving touch and the feeling of love so much that she would settle, over and over, for a pale imitation. I want her to feel strong and worthy so that she won’t push away or try to destroy every real relationship she had. I would like to protect that sweet, baby me from all that I know is coming; from the world and from myself.
The past might be over, but it is never finished.

Monday, December 10

When I Squeeze You, You Make Noise

It seems strange to me to follow a story about how a young man’s death has renewed my commitment to my community with a plea for help in finding a silly present for Mama G. I may need to split the blog up. I don’t know…
When Mama G first bought her house I talked her into having a rubber ducky theme in the downstairs guest bathroom. Uh huh, that’s right, Rubber Ducky. The shower curtain, the toilet seat, the soap dishes, Kleenex box, hand towels….well, you get the idea. It’s a silly place and that was the plan. There should be a place in your house that makes you giggle; one place where it is impossible to feel bad. I’ll take pics and post them when I go home for Christmas so you’ll get to feel jealous of my awesome decorating skillz. It’s how I spread the joy of the season.
That Christmas I got her a small set of rubber duckies. There was a firefighter, policeduck, and doctor duck. They were cute. She put them on a shelf in the bathroom. The next year was a ducky back massager that was water proof. Last year a pair of overstuffed, but super comfy ducky slippers. Do you see the pattern here?
This year I’ve got nothin’.
So… if any of you lovely minions can help me in my quest to make Mama G smile and laugh on Christmas morning please let me know. If Flynn would like to make me a ducky with his hair that would be cute too (Pater could be your Bert).

Also – It is entirely possible that I have lost my mind and fallen for someone who could actually fit in with my family, friends and life. Of course I should find out that he isn’t interested any day now. I'm a puzzle.

Thursday, December 6

What's Going On

A 15 year old boy was using a payphone outside a restaurant when he heard his mother scream inside and ran in to help her. He was shot by a 14 year old and a 13 year old boy as they were trying to rob the restaurant.

This has got to stop.
What happened in the lives of these young men to lead them to this place? What didn’t happen? What the hell were the rest of us doing that this could happen in our community? No more.
It is no longer possible for a mother to take her son to dinner and both of them come home alive. That’s it. I’m done.
Billy Cook, a member of our school board, sent a letter to the spiritual, political, community and educational leaders of Hampton Roads asking for more than verbal condemnation of the violence on our streets. He asked that everyone DO SOMETHING. He will be a hub for information dissemination for our community as more people come together to take action. All I can say is that it’s about damn time!
How long are we going to wait before we each take action? Until an entire generation of Black men are behind bars or in graveyards? Until the violence moves even deeper into White, Latino and Asian communities? Until there is no safe neighborhood in any community that isn’t gated? When are we going to get angry? When are we going to fight back?
I hear people say all the time that something is a shame, but there isn’t anything they can do. That’s bullshit. I hear people say that some neighborhood or other is a bad one. Well, it’s your city – what are you going to do about it?
Call your City Hall and ask to speak with a community liaison or ask for a list of anti-violence groups working in your city. Ask your pastor, rabbi, etc. Ask your neighborhood principal. Go online. The information is all around you.
The truth is that we, as the individuals who make up our neighborhoods, communities, cities, states and this nation have decided that it is more important to watch TV than stop a young boy from being murdered. We do not actually care. How do I know? We do not act. We let them die and we don’t even lose a moment of sleep over it. Admit it.
I have decided I will no longer be complicit in the murder of our youngsters. I will do what I can to help make a change. I used to think I didn’t have time, or that I was already giving of my time. Dominic is dead at 15 years old. Untold numbers of young men are dead, in jail, on drugs, on the streets. They are lost, they are dying and their numbers are growing. So maybe I’ll miss Grey’s Anatomy one night and help save a life.

Question is: what will it take to make you do something?

Wednesday, December 5

Happy Birthday to ya', Happy Birthday!

Today is Papa G’s 79th birthday. We in the World of G are blessed and grateful to have ‘Fathead’ around. We’re planning a blowout for next year but for this year sincerity rules over hype and I just want to say that I love my dad. He is quite possibly one of the most complicated men to ever live on this planet and he has driven me to: throwing things, drinking, tears, new heights, hysterical laughter and places I never thought I’d have the guts to go.
His life has been pretty amazing. Name something world changing that took place in the states in the past 60 years and odds are he was there, on his way there, or had just left. So, for his birthday I bought Papa G a mini tape recorder and some tapes (I forgot the batteries, for which I will be teased for at least a year); we’re going to write his biography. Well, I’m going to write it, he’s going to talk it. I’m pretty excited about the project and cannot wait to get started. I’m just as ready to learn about him as to share him with all of you.
This will not be his first time being written about. Go to your local bookstore or library and get Does Anybody Give a Damn? There’s a chapter on him. Yes, I am bragging, but if you are interested in education, NYC, race or class issues it’s a good book. If you’re a fan of G it has just become required reading! I’ll wait until you’re done with that before I give you a list of articles.
I’m sure that over the next year (at least) there will be plenty of times where I question the sanity of this project and myself. I’m sure there will be fights and hurt feelings and amazing revelations. When I post about how the book will never get written and I want to give up will someone please remind me to read this post?
Today I am grateful that Papa G is mine, that he is here and that I have time with him.
I love you, Dad.

Tuesday, December 4

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I Am Not Star Jones over at the Unemployment CafĂ© has tagged me with this MeMe. I’d call her a poopyhead, but I’m way too mature for that. Damn it. Here we go!
Seven random or weird things about me:
*Let me preface this by saying that I, as Wench Goddess of the World of G, am neither random, nor weird. You, my minions, are just out of step and fail to see the big picture.

1. Half of my relatives aren’t related to me. My half sister’s family adopted my mom and me years ago and stuck with us through my parents’ divorce – as a result I have a Not-Brother, Not-Cousins, Not-Aunts and Not-Uncles. They are some amazing people and I love them fiercely. Yeah, I get Christmas presents for Papa G’s first ex wife. What?

2. I have lived in each time zone in the US.

3. There are certain holiday commercials which spike my blood pressure and make my stomach roll. I have thrown things. It is that bad. Offender #1 – Zales (jewelry store) super cheese fest where they change the Christmas Story. I will turn off the TV. (I don’t have a remote, so that’s saying something)

4. I don’t have a remote control for my TV or cable. It’s been two years. It hurt at first, but after the shakes passed I was ok. I mean, I still have to hit up the methadone clinic once a week, but I think I’m doing better…

5. I never wear jewelry but I love it. Good jewelry. I would wear sapphires and diamonds every day if I could. I can’t, which is sad on a global level, but I love them anyway. Oh and pink sapphires too. And emeralds…rubies…onyx, opal, amber, you get the idea Pretty colors…sigh…

6. I can eat the exact same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner over and over without tiring of it. My record was 9 days (although I didn’t always eat breakfast). It was Velveeta shells and cheese with broccoli, spinach and linguicia mixed in. Yummy.

7. There has only been one time in my life I have dated someone I though was good enough to be part of my family. He was not, ironically, the person I ended up engaged to.

There you go – my strange 7. If you read this post you have been tagged (mwaahahaha… evil laugh!) Let me know when you’re posting so I can taunt you a second time!

Monday, December 3

All I want for Christmas

I cheat. Sometimes I'll have a blog idea or just need to get something out so I'll write it and save it. Then, when I have a day when I can't write I'll pull it out and post it. I was just going to direct you all over to the Unemployment Cafe because someone over there has been reading my mind and posting it (Big Sister is watching you) but then I found this little nuggets and I thought, what the hell? So, here you go. It's a rough cut, but I mean every word.

I’ve been posting/writing/thinking a lot about giving and receiving lately. It’s a difficult topic to avoid this time of year unless you somehow manage to live a media free existence. My focus has been on gifts for my family and community and I really haven’t thought much about what I want for myself. I realized just now that I don’t want anything.
Let me rephrase, I don’t want anything that anyone could buy me. * If you want to buy me a bookstore I am FINE with that.* What I want most is change. I am changing my life radically yet unlike most radical change it is coming slowly, sometimes painstakingly. I am working to affect my little World of G and make it a better place, but am getting more than a little pissed that others seem content to sit back and whine about it. I am being driven even more insane by the people who don’t even seem to notice or care about the problems in our world and are instead focused on what will be under the tree this year. With those facts in mind minions, I present to you G’s Christmas List, 2007 Edition.
authors note (my obsessive heart will always make room for anything West Wing, GB Packer or U2 related…I’m just sayin’…)

Take ten minutes out of one day to look up 5 things you can change in your daily life that would help the environment and do them? How hard is it to switch light bulbs, really?

I would like to somehow get the message heard that each of us is responsible for every child we come across; the gangbanging teen on the street corner and the screeching baby in the restaurant. If something in your life isn’t actively working to help the generation behind you then you are honestly just taking up space. Please get out of the way.

Maybe if we demanded honesty and substance from our media we could ask the same from our politicians? Just an idea…

The men and women in our military are willing to die for each and every one of us at the request of the people WE elect. Each death is on our hands. It’s time for some honesty.

Why are we the only major industrialized nation on the planet who won’t allow Gays and Lesbians to serve openly in our military? Look it up.

People who want to work come in through the southern border, people who want to blow things up come in through the northern one. Pass it on.

Make a list of the top five things you would like to see change in the world. Dream big. Now – as a present to me spend one hour researching them online (because I guarantee you someone, somewhere is already on it). Then spend one hour a month helping. It really is that easy.

People keep talking about how complicated the problems facing our world are. They can be. OR they can be as simple as getting off of your ass and doing something. Learn about something, help someone. Help one damn person and maybe I’ll take your pontificating a little more seriously. (That was not a crack at the BV) Above all I would like to see the death of apathy this Holiday season. I honestly don’t care what you care about – as long as you care about SOMEthing and are willing to do something about it. The easiest way to start a movement; START MOVING.

Friday, November 30

Can You Believe

I have no voice today. I lost it last night screaming at the top of my lungs at a sports bar while my GB Packers lost. I have some issues here, people:

Mike McCarthy (as I have said here before) needs to just give me his job unless he’s going to grow some balls…and brains. I’m sorry; I really don’t want to be rude but DUDE, COME ON! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

There are soooooo many reasons why I hate, loathe and detest Dallas Crapboys fans but this epitomizes their problem: when Brett was injured last night what was heard from the Crapboys fans were cheers and one ass kept going on and on about how Favre got what he deserved and that was the end of his season. Who deserves to get hurt? What the hell is wrong with these people?

There are two kinds of fans in the world: real fans and buzz fans. I am a real fan. Real fans love you even when you are the worst in the league. Real fans know their history and the names of more than just the marquee players. Right now Miami is finding out who their real fans are. My question is this: where have all you Dallas fans been since 1992?

I would like to see the Packer defense in my office this afternoon to have a nice long talk about why they should get paid if they aren’t going to work. I love you boys, you’re better than this, step it up!

One last thing: T.O. did not have control of the ball! You are watching this shit on a high def big screen how could you not see that? When the ball is bobbling in a player’s hands that is not control!

Brett will be ok. My Pack will be ok and long after this game is nothing more than stats in the history books Dallas fans will still be assholes (especially little man who followed me out into the parking lot cursing at me). Watch out Raiders fans, you’ve got competition.

Thursday, November 29

I wanna know everything about you

First things first: My GB Packers are playing the Dallas Crapboys tonight. Dallas is favored by 6.5 points in the spread and THAT pisses me off. The game is only being shown on satellite TV so we have to go out and watch it (with icky Dallas fans) and THAT pisses me off. We are completely underrated by the sports media and THAT pisses me off. Most of all though I’m just really nervous about the game. I cannot stand the Crapboys and their ‘America’s Team’ bullshit and their obnoxious fans. If any of my minions would like to send some good vibes my way I’d appreciate it.
Now on to our post. Hearts posted this questionnaire and it freaked me out a little so I decided to grab on to the scary and see where it takes me. Here we go…

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I don’t have one which is probably an impediment on the road to happy. I’m also suspicious of anything involving perfection.

2.What is your greatest fear?

3.Which living person do you most admire?
Mama G. She drives me crazy sometimes, but the woman is a wonder. I will never really know her; I will always know her best. She is my beginning and what I aspire to.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have a tendency towards self deception which leads to settling for less than I could attain.

5.What is the trait you most deplore in others?

6.What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Politeness, especially at the cost of honesty.

7.On what occasion do you lie?
When I’m scared.

8.What do you dislike most about your appearance?
One word: THIGHS!

9.What is your greatest regret?
Giving up too many times and on too many things.

10.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Mama G. Papa G. it’s a tie

11.Which talent would you most like to have?
I think I’m good, thanks.

12. What is your current state of mind?
Have you seen The Scream? Yeah, that.

13. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would take better care of myself.

14. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Getting out. Staying out. Being OK.

15. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
It depends on Fate’s sense of humor. I’d like to be a wild horse or a wolf…I’d probably be a whale.

16. What is your most treasured possession?
Bear. The teddy bear my Mimi bought for be before I was born.

17. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being voiceless.

18. Where would you like to live?
Seattle, WA or Edinburgh, Scotland

19. What is your most marked characteristic.
I’m…um…not exactly quiet.

20. Who are your favorite writers?
Aaron Sorkin, Shakespeare, Sam Shepard, Jodi Picoult, Ayn Rand, W.E.B. DuBois, Toni Morrison, Nora Roberts. Yes, Nora Roberts. I like romance novels. Sue me. Also – whoever I am reading at the time; I have a habit of falling in love with whatever I am reading.

21. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Janie from Their Eyes Were Watching God.

22. Who are your heroes in real life?
My Uncle Brother (James Campbell) has lived an amazing life and has an amazing heart. Mama G… because she is.

23. What is it that you most dislike?
The ignorance and apathy that has our world in a chokehold.

24. What is your motto?
Get up, get out and do something.

25. Favorite journey?
I’m on it now.

26. What do you value most in your friends?
An open and inquisitive mind, a kind heart….cooking skills.

27. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Oh good lord!
Not so much.
I’m just sayin’

28. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I honestly can’t think of one.

29. What is your greatest extravagance?
Going out to eat. (Books are not an extravagance, they are a necessity.)

30. If you could change one thing about your family what would it be?
Mimi and Grumpy would be alive and healthy. We would try to understand each other a bit more.

31. What is your favorite occupation?

32. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
A loving intelligence.

33. What is the quality you most like in a man.
Ditto. Plus great shoulders.

34. How would you like to die.
Well, I’d rather not, but if I have to I’d like to die content.

35. If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
I’d like a do over with at least some of the knowledge I have now. I don’t think I could fix anything but I would like to see how the journey would change. Think of it as life as a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Wednesday, November 28

Let Me Clear My Throat


If I actually felt like listening to or dealing with any of your bullshit, being in this office at all or even being awake right now do you think I would have this expression on my face?

Back off before I fuck you up. Today is NOT the day to test me.

Tuesday, November 27

Like an animal...

This is just another reason you should all be watching the West Wing on DVD.
I just bought a goat. There’s an organization called Heifer International that gives milk cows, goat, sheep, chickens, ducks, geese, etc to poor people around the globe. I found out about them when they were featured in an episode of the West Wing and I’ve been donating each year since. This is the first year I could afford to buy a large animal – my ultimate goal is a milk cow.
My goat will allow a family to better feed their children. It will also let them make some money because they will be able to sell the milk that they don’t use. It’s a small thing, I know. Mama G calls me an idealist, but I don’t think that is the case. My philosophy is that if something bothers you then you should do something about it or shut up. If there is something going on in your community give your time AND money (and if you have no money remember that your time IS money and get off of your ass). If it is something in another part of the world then you should give what you can. My small thing helps one family. That one family is part of a community, country, continent and world however, and any positive thing that I do has a chance to affect the whole. That may be idealistic but maybe if more people were willing to do something the world wouldn’t be in so much shit…just an idea.
Check out Heifer International and The Grameen Bank (my two favorite charities). Give in the name of your family or in my name as a holiday present. Go to your local children’s hospital and ask what they need…then do it. Go to your local school and find out what the teachers need and find a way to get it done. Do something – anything! At the very least do your online shopping with retailers who will give a percentage of your money to charity of it as a diet for the soul. Now get off your ass and go lose some pounds!

Monday, November 26

I'm too complicated...

Apparently I was white in high school. I was never informed of this fact. I thought I was born an interracial girl and I have been my entire life. Now I find out there were four years when I was white. Nice of my classmates to finally let me know.
Over and over again at the reunion men came up to me and told me that they had had crushes on me in high school or that they had really wanted to ask me out. These were all Black men. Two of them were men I would have said yes to. I spent my high school nights either in the theatre or on the couch in my house. I didn’t date. I had one boyfriend and he was white. He was also the only person who ever asked me out.
I had three sets of friends: theatre friends, black friends and white friends. I spent most of my time with my theatre friends because race wasn’t an issue – or if it was there were so many other issues we thought were more important (artistic freedom, dramatic craft…yeah, we were THOSE kids).
Apparently a byproduct of my not feeling like I fit in anywhere and having your basic ‘tragic mulatto’ adolescence is that I was perceived as being or wanting to be white by my black classmates. So, what do you do when someone comes up to you and basically tells you that you aren’t black enough?
I’m sure James over at Acting White could come up with some well thought out, moderate reaction. Field Negro and Angry Black Woman wouldn’t have had that problem. Would they have been on the other side? How fucking pathetic is it that I am still thinking about this at 28 years old? How long will it take me to make peace with myself? When I graduated I decided I would no longer try to court friends of any race. I am who I am; my parents and family are extremely diverse. This is my life and if others can’t understand it or would rather judge me than get to know me there is nothing I can do about that.
Yeah, right.
The thing is that we are all different. After the reunion some friends and I ended up at an after party. It happened to be all black. I was relaxed in a way that I hadn’t been in a long time. I was also tense in a different way than I had been in a long time.
My idea of paradise is an interracial neighborhood. I would love to be surrounded by kids like me: Guatemalan/Thai, Black/White, Portuguese/Japanese, mix it up… go crazy… maybe if everyone else’s lives were more complicated mine could be simple.
Or maybe the African American community could stop judging ourselves and others against some idea of whiteness and learn to embrace all the shades and colors we are.
Or I could just get over it.
Uh huh.

Wednesday, November 21

Crack of Sunlight

I have the nasty virus on the run, minions! I’m feeling much better and I’m looking forward to my second 14 hour round trip drive in as many weeks. Yes, I am strange.
So, NoRegrets has asked for my veggie soup recipe. The thing about me is that I am a big time carnivore, so both of my versions have meat in them. You all, being big boy and girl minions, can take it out if you want to go the veggie route. Here’s the first one – you’ll get the beef one after the holiday:)

Sick Chicken Soup:
4 or 5 chicken breasts
2 large Onions
1 clove of garlic
Half a head of cabbage
1 Green Pepper
1 Red Pepper
2 stalks of Celery
5 Carrots
4 Turnips
1 Rutabaga
1 bunch of kale
½ bag frozen collard greens
½ bag frozen spinach
(feel free to use fresh – I don’t have that kind of washing/chopping time)
1 can of creamed corn
2 Tomatoes
Chicken Stock (I use three boxes of the reduced sodium, but I like a LOT of broth – so it’s really up to you)
Your favorite herbs (I use: sage, rosemary and thyme)
2 tbsp Tabasco sauce

Chop everything first. The herbs and garlic should be minced, but everything else can be rough cut. Bake the chicken, tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic and half of the herbs in a pan. While the chicken is baking start cooking the cabbage, turnips, rutabaga, carrots, celery and kale in the stock. You might want to start with the cabbage and kale and let them cook down enough to add everything else. Bring it to a boil and then turn it down to med/low and let everything simmer until your chicken is done or for 20 minutes.
When the chicken is done cube it and let it sit with the veggies in the pan for 5-10 minutes. Add everything else to the soup except the reserved herbs. Add the chicken and baked veggies along with the juices from the pan. (for the veggie version bake the tomatoes, onions, etc with the herbs in a light drizzle of olive oil). Keep the soup on a low simmer for another 45 minutes – test the veggies periodically so that you don’t overcook. Add the rest of the herbs and the Tabasco just before you’re done. You can use less Tabasco if you’re a wimp or a different type of hot sauce if there’s one you like.

This one freezes really well and is great when you’re sick but as you can see it takes a while to make. It’s not labor intensive, just time consuming. Feel free to add or subtract from it at will. It isn’t so much a recipe as a habit that has evolved over many winters. It is pretty low in both salt and fat, so it’s also guilt free :) I’ll get Mama G’s chicken corn chowder recipe for you soon, my minions, that’s hardcore!

Feel free to sub leftover turkey for the chicken! Have a great T-Giving! I’ll be back on Monday with stories from the reunion…if I survive…

Tuesday, November 20

I'm not dead, just floating

The theory is that by drinking water as hot as you can stand it you’re killing the germs living in your throat. I have no idea if this is the case. Whenever I get sick and take something for the symptoms I always end up being sick what feels like for…ev…er. This is probably because I don’t change my schedule or really push fluids because I don’t feel sick. DayQuil and Tylenol lie to me. NyQuil also keeps me awake for some reason. There are times when my body has a wicked sense of humour.
So this time I decided to try and get better instead of just feeling better. I’ve got an insulated coffee cup filled with hot water, slices of ginger root and honey that I am sipping on constantly. I have my Zicam and Cold-Eeze, both of which have promised to shorten the length and severity of my cold and last night I found the Holy Grail of Soups in the back of my freezer. This is some good stuff:
Collard greens
Red Peppers
Green Peppers
(with rosemary, thyme, sage and whatever else I happened to have around that day)
** My secret ingredient: Tabasco
It’s basically a vitamin in a bowl. The hot sauce is there both to wake up your nose and to help warm you up. It works. The next time you have a cold, try it in whatever your favorite soup is.
I’m now in day two of my fight against the Evil Virus and I think I’m holding my own. I’m feeling slightly better and looking forward to lying down again as soon as humanly possible.

Monday, November 19

G's Lament

I refuse to be sick. I. WILL. NOT. HAVE. A. COLD.
Bring on the Zicam and Cold-Eeze, the scalding hot water with lemon and honey, the tissues.
Friday night is my 10 year High School reunion and if I’m going to spend an entire evening being judged I refuse to have a stuffy nose or a scratchy throat. This is my line in the sand and I will defend it with hot soup, Vitamin C and Zinc. I will squash this virus like a bug – and then I will blame that horrible pun on it.

Sunday, November 18

Dateline: Chucktown...part two

I don't think I'm really that drunk. On the other hand I know I smell like smoke. Not cigarette smoke - actual fire smoke. Cousin G and I took Mama G to an oyster roast where she played beer pong and flip cup (yes - most of them were college students) and then we went downtown for more food and a LOT more alcohol. I'll post more later...when I'm more sober...just wanted to let you all know that the Mama G Birthday Extravaganza went off without a hitch. So many people love my mommy - it makes me happy. OK - maybe I am a little drunk...

Friday, November 16

Dateline: Chucktown...part one

I left my house at the ass crack of middle of the night (aka 4:40 something am) and rolled onto Papa G's island just before noon. Why the man can't live in the city like everyone else I do not know.
I rang the bell, I knocked...I walked to the back door and knocked again. As I was calling the house line and listening to it ring in stereo I started to get worried. I had a flash of Papa G paralyzed from a stroke lying on the floor listening to me stomp around outside and curse him roundly as he died. Not fun. I called Mama G who told me to calm down and reminded me that this is how he is. True. True but not exactly helpful.
The third time I called his cell phone he picked up. He was downtown. He had just gotten out of court (property stuff - he didn't pull a Vick or OJ or anything like that). Did I want to come back down and meet him for lunch?
Hmmm... Did I want to get BACK into Pookie after driving a little over 440 miles and drive another half hour BACK THE WAY I HAD COME to have some lunch with him. Well, he wasn't dead, so why not. I hung up sat in my car and sobbed for a couple minutes out of sheer relief then went and had some lunch.
I am now safely ensconced at Mama G's getting some rest before we go out for dinner and part one of the Mama G Birthday Extravaganza.
Updates to follow...

In comments: something fun for me to read tonight when I'm wasted. Thanks!

Thursday, November 15


I'm leaving tonight for Chucktown and Mama G's Birthday Extravaganza and of course I'll keep you updated on the debauched fun as much as I can. Look for my Dateline:Chucktown blogs coming soon. In the meantime I couldn't leave my minions with nothing to read for four days so...
In Honor Of The First Anniversary Of The World of G Blog I Present The Top Gen!
(There are 12 mos in a year and 10 is spelled with a T... so what? Here are eleven of my favorite blogs (for a variety of reasons) posted for your reading pleasure!)

What Kind of Weekend Has it Been, Nov 20, 2006

Tomorrow/The End/ I’m A Big Dork, Dec 2, 2006

In Defense of Aaron Sorkin, Jan 11, 2007

Bad Enough Already, Feb 17, 2007

My Birthday Month, March 31, 2007

Bullshit, April 7, 2007

Gastronomirony, May 22, 2007

Reality Bites, Harbor Fest Edition, June 11, 2007

Me, July 20, 2007

And Cheese, August 3, 2007

Zoom In On My Empty Wallet, September 11, 2007

Tuesday, November 13

The Asshole Tax

Every time I bring this up people say that they are going to steal it from me, so I thought I’d just give it to all of you. There are times when Karma truly does seem instant. Meno has an example on her blog. I call this the Asshole Tax.
The Asshole Tax covers everything from the supermarket line jumper who ends up with a credit card that gets denied to a preacher/politician who rails against homosexuality only to be outed by some high priced (and same sexed) call girl…or boy.
If you do the crime the universe will, at some point, make sure you do the time. I personally think that if we made it monetary an Asshole Tax could replace the income tax AND social security tax, but I haven’t been elected to anything. In any case, we all have to pay our Asshole Tax in some form at one point or another. Well, except me – paragons are exempt.
Just remember, when you revel in someone else’s payment they get to revel in yours. Don’t let that stop you, I’m just sayin’…

Monday, November 12

Just When I Thought I Was Out

I saw American Gangster on Saturday. I took myself to the movies. That is something I used to do on a weekly basis but which has been gobbled up by the children’s hospital, working, working out, working weekends, and trying to keep myself, my clothes and my house clean. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and Sundays don’t count. My Sundays are locked in until the end of the football season, so I don’t even want to hear it.
What was my point? Ah yes, I went to see American Gangster. At some point I’ll probably do a review but for now all I can really say is that I need to see it again. It disturbed me and made me think. It had all of the standards of the genre, guns, money, drugs, women and violence. It also had something…more. I’m not sure if it was because of the time period or the approach to the subject or both or something else entirely. It’s two days later and my reaction to it keeps changing.
By the time I started going to daycare, kindergarten etc in Harlem Frank Lucas was off the streets. By the time he got out of prison we were living in SC. I keep thinking about that but I don’t know why. I keep thinking of all of the people he murdered, his people from his community. I keep thinking about whether or not the entire thing was inevitable and whether Harlem was better or worse off with Lucas and not the Italians running things. There are so many questions in my head.
I’m not sure I want to see it again; a lot of the imagery is extremely effective and disturbing. I’m going to see it again though, because I have a need to figure out, as much as I can, the myriad reactions I am still having to this film. I can say that this is a great and terrible film in the truest meanings of the words.

Saturday, November 10


This is for NoRegrets and Susan – who wanted the truth:

I don’t know how it started. There were troubling moments in my childhood; flashes of black and white passing out of the corner of my eye when I was under the water in our swimming pool, the feeling that I was not alone. It was a sort of claustrophobia which I knew to be ridiculous even at ten. Of course I was alone; the water was the clear chlorinated blue indigenous to suburbia. Oddly enough, when I was away at camp and swimming in mud brown water the thoughts never occurred to me. There were no flashes. None of this stopped me from ‘swimming like a fish’ as Mama G put it. The woman is a master of irony.
I’m not quite sure when a mild revulsion for whales turned into a phobia. I know, I know. I’ll wait until the chuckles have passed, it’s ok. I went whale watching off Nantucket with my mom on one of our trips to Happy Yankee Land and I was fine. It was fun. It was tons of fun actually at a time when my mom and I weren’t having all that much fun together.
Now when I see them (painted on buildings, in insurance commercials, Disney movies, at Seas World or in the Ocean) I shrink away. My palms break out in a cold sweat and I can feel panic rising in my chest. I start to cry and I shiver with disgust the way you would over a mangled and bloody corpse. My stomach rolls and if I close my eyes I can see Shamu gliding beside me in clear blue water. It is honestly the most frightening image I can think of. I don’t know if it’s a remembered dream or if I was somehow dropped into the tank at Sea World when I was a child and I’ve repressed the memory.
The thing is that I know it’s silly but there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I generally just try to avoid things that involve whales or if I can’t do that to suppress my reaction so people don’t think I’m completely nuts. I once had a roommate who thought it would be funny to toss a blow up killer whale into my bed in the middle of the night. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared and angry at the same time. She stopped laughing quickly enough. I stopped telling people about it for a while after that.
Yesterday I checked in at NoR’s blog and got a nasty surprise. Actually for anyone else it would have been a lovely surprise. It’s a quilt. It has whales on it. That brings me to this:
Hello, my name is G and I have a whale phobia.

Friday, November 9

I just need a little of your time...

So, so, so much nothing going on right now!

  • It’s a cold, grey Friday. I really don’t feel like doing anything.
  • I have three new books at home and some super fab pasta…why am I at work???
  • My brother was on Life this week. He’s the computer nerd. GO. WATCH. NOW.
  • A new Bojangles opened up right near our office. One of the salesmen went and got everyone breakfast. Everyone but me because I can’t have really yummy, greasy, ulcer irritating FREE food. I can however listen to everyone else groan and moan with pleasure at their breakfasts while I eat my yogurt. It’s like food porn around here. Bastards.
  • I never really woke up this morning. I got up. It’s different.
  • I seem to be the person in the office people come to with life questions. I don’t know why – I really don’t like any of them and tend not to actually think before dispensing advice.
  • The day after our local elections were over and those pointless hatchet jobs people call political commercials were off the air we ended up with a flood of high fructose holiday ads. If I went on a killing spree of ad execs do you think anyone would care? Except whoever thought up the Geico lizard. You’re safe.
  • I think Damon Wayans and Rush Limbaugh should be locked in a glass room and forced to fight to the death. Then we flood the room with gas to finish of the ‘murderer’. Two birds, one stone. AND we could televise it to help get us through the writer’s strike. I’m a freaking genius. Why? Go here.
  • I'm heading down to Chucktown next week for Mama G's Birthday Extravaganza. I go into training today.

So, what's up with the minions?

Wednesday, November 7

You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog

Ok, Minions, normally I don’t post twice in one day but I feel the need to speak, so here goes: Dog the Idiot did not, I repeat, NOT make a mistake. He did not speak out of turn and he did not think he was ‘honorarily’ allowed to use the N word. HE IS LYING TO YOU. What’s worse than that is that you are accepting it and encouraging it. Listen to the tape. He actually says that he doesn’t want the woman around because at some point she would hear them using the N word and it would get out and destroy his career. He is not sorry; he is scared to lose the lifestyle he has become accustomed to because he has been exposed.
A lot of the news coverage and blogs seem to be more upset with what he said than the intention behind it. The man is a racist. He is not only bigoted towards Blacks and he has done this before. I don’t feel bad that his son ‘sold him out’ either. If he hadn’t been a racist jackass there wouldn’t have been a tape to sell.
I am not against forgiveness, but there seems to be an idea in this country that it’s fine to be a racist jackass as long as no one catches you saying anything about it. He is apologizing for words, and he’s not even really apologizing for them. He is LYING and excusing the WORDS – not the thoughts or feelings. Until we can all be honest with each other about the way we think and feel about each other these things will continue to happen. They are a symptom and we need to stop treating them like a cause. Getting people to shut up is not the answer. Using politically correct language isn’t either. How about we try some honesty?
Hey Dog, why don’t you just tell people that you meant every word? Tell us that you’re scared now and you don’t know what to do so you’re counting on your spin-meisters to get you out of this. Tell us that this might make you watch your mouth, but won’t alter you thoughts or behaviors one bit. Be fucking honest. I for one, might actually want to help you then. Until that time you can kiss my black ass.

Sympathy For The Devil

“I have a position open on my penis.”
If you didn’t watch House last night you won’t understand why I am laughing almost to the point of hysteria every time I think of that sentence. It wasn’t just what he said, but the way he said it, where he said it and who he said it to. It was the entire House package. So far my day has bit supreme ass and blown harder than a fucking hurricane, but I think of that line and I crack up. Maybe I should be offended, but I just can’t get there through the laughter.
AND it looks like Michael Michele is joining the cast (at least for a while) so now there are four ‘obvious minorities’ on the show (another phrase that should probably piss me off on some level that doesn't). At this rate they might approach something close to racial diversity by the end of the season. I’ll keep you updated. Now go to and watch the episode.

Tuesday, November 6

This is Our Country

I wrote yesterday about truth. I was writing about all kinds of truth but it seems that the chord struck when I touched on truth in politics. Is there such a thing? Let’s forget for a moment the BVPontiff’s argument about the inherent subjectivity of truth and assume for the purpose of this post that there are basic objective truths. Now, let me explain where all of this is coming from.
My mother is a Hillary Clinton fan. We can’t talk about it anymore. I cannot tell you how much I want to be able to vote for Hillary Clinton. I want to be able to tell my children and grand children that I voted for the first female President. The problem is that Hillary Clinton scares the hell out of me. Yes, most of the GOP field turns my stomach and I will work hard to keep them out of the White House but even they don’t scare me as much as she does. She has the country believing that she wants change. I think that Hillary wants to be President. I think that is all she wants. I don’t believe that she cares about you or me. I don’t believe she cares about the issues at all. I believe she wants to win. She will say what she has to and do what she has to. She will take money from anyone and play every divisive card she has. We aren’t talking about interns now, there are people’s lives at stake and if anyone thinks that’s a double standard or unfair that’s fine with me. It might be a double standard and it may be unfair but I don’t give a shit. The world has changed. George Bush sent my friends off to die and he lied about why he was doing it. He lied to them as he sent them into harm’s way. Hillary refuses to give a straight answer about one single thing and each move she makes runs counter to the words she speaks. She is incapable of answering a yes or no question, incapable of standing up to power, incapable of not pandering with every word that comes out of her mouth. Will she bring my friends home? Will she tell them the truth? No. What will she do? Well, it depends on the day you ask her. If anyone has ever gotten a straight answer out of her please let me know. I can’t trust even that she will stick to her own convictions, because I honestly haven’t seen any evidence that she has any. None of us would have any idea what she would do about a given situation, but my guess is that it would be whatever was most politically expedient.
I understand that I am not making a rational argument. I don’t really care. I do not trust that woman one iota. I don’t trust her with my life, my family’s and friends’ or with the stewardship of my country. Substitute ‘Politics’ for ‘Religion’ change the clothes and hair and there actually isn’t too much difference between George and Hillary. That is what I believe and I am not afraid to say it out loud or in print or anywhere. I wish either of them was able to say the same.

Monday, November 5

Ha Ha Ha

My boss had emergency root canal...and I sent this to her because I'm such a sweetie...

Tell Me True

I’m thinking about honesty and how no one seems to want it in our public forums anymore. Politicians are not allowed to tell the truth. Their staff won’t let them because they know that we do not want to hear it. They are not allowed to say what they believe to be true without the varnish of one special interest group or another and without the polish of the party line. Do we want to hear the truth? Do we want to hear that the country is in massive debt and tax cuts won’t get us out of it? Do we want to hear the truth about Iraq? Iran? North Korea? China? Us? No. I don’t think we do.
Dog the Idiot- I mean bounty hunter – is going on an apology tour trying to spin his use of the N word. What would happen if he said “I have no respect for Black people and do not want anyone in my family involved with one. The very idea scares the shit out of me and I will disown my son if he continues this relationship”? He would be vilified for not apologizing for his beliefs and lying to us all about how he was going to change and how he didn’t really mean it. Why not start with the truth? Even if it is ugly? If we never admit to the problem how can we solve it?
The backlash to “Come On People” is pissing me off. Two intelligent, thoughtful and learned men have put together a book addressing a wide range of issues facing this country. There are hard truths in the book. Because some people are made uncomfortable when the mirror is aimed in their direction they are attacking the premise of the book. This is bullshit. Just because you don’t want to hear it doesn’t make it any less true.
I think it is time that we all start asking some tough questions. We need to ask them of ourselves, of each other, of our communities and of our leaders. The first question is this; do you want to know the truth?

Friday, November 2

The Wind Blows Down My Mind

I had a dream last night that I was locked in mortal combat with an old roommate. Not the movie or video game – we were actively trying to kill each other. I wasn’t trying to kill her so much as she was trying to tear my face of with her teeth and I was trying to stop her. It ain’t much, but it’s MY face, you know?
I think it was the wind. While that is the dream that I remember I know there were others just as disturbing and violent. I woke with the feeling of them lingering in the recesses of my brain. The winds from Hurricane Noel began to reach us last night. They stirred the leaves in the courtyard and set the power lines to thumping. They whistled, whined and moaned. They invaded my dreams somehow.
Somehow a MySpace comment from L saying she missed me and asking when I was coming to SC for a visit next turned into fight for my life. I don’t know what the other dreams were about and I don’t think I want to know. Whatever demons surfaced last night I will elect to believe were borne on the winds and not stirred by them from the recesses of my mind.
I will not be working this weekend! Very exciting. Don’t know if I’ll sleep in though…

Thursday, November 1

Not Falling Apart

“You are in charge of your own attitude – whatever others do or circumstances you face. The only person you can control is yourself.” Marian Wright Edelman

I’m not big on blaming others for my bad days. I will blame you for being a jackass, but I accept the responsibility for how I react to your jackassery. That being said, I do not always react well. I don’t always want to react well. I don’t think it’s that important for me to be a paragon of maturity all the time (or ever, for that matter). I believe that as long as I am not imposing my moods onto anyone else I should be left alone to have whatever kind of snit I want.
Honestly things are going about as well as can be expected right now. The meds are starting to work on the ulcers so I’m in less pain; nice things were said about me on the CEO’s blog and on the latest BVPodcast. I had a great bookstore brainstorm yesterday and have worked out some new ideas for it and I am moving forward with my plans.
I’m not complaining. I am not whining. I haven’t asked anyone for anything. Today seems to be one of those days, however, when all anyone seems to care about is ‘how are you’. I have already explained why I think that is the most pointless question ever and why it annoys the ever living hell out of me.
The irony is that I was actually in a pretty great mood before the poking, prodding and fake ass concerned smiles. I was reading my morning blogs and you guys were cracking me up. I was emailing everyone the new Black Vatican banners (get them here and put them all over everything!!!) and trying not to laugh too loud. What I was not doing was hanging out in the hallway with Evil Dead Bitch From Hell and Moronic Manager chatting with every idiot who walked by. Apparently that was where I made my big mistake. News is already making the rounds that G ‘isn’t doing well today.’
I’m telling you, minions, it’s enough to make a Wench Goddess like myself violent. And then they crack jokes about how I ended up with ulcers. Maybe from choking back the bile that rises each time I have to speak to you instead of punching you in the face? Just an idea…

I bet you saw that quote and thought this would be an enlightened post…

Wednesday, October 31

A More Congenial Spot For Happily Ever Aftering

If my life were a Broadway musical something hilarious would happen soon. There would be a plot twist both romantic and completely unrealistic and probably a snappy dance number as well. I could really use a snappy dance number.
Last night I put in some hours at the children’s hospital after work. The place works miracles. I was tired and in pain and suddenly I was sitting next to an incubator with a tiny hand wrapped around mine and I didn’t care anymore. My pain didn’t hurt and my exhaustion wasn’t that tiring.
Then I went home, fell into bed and watched Bones and House and most of Boston Legal before I passed out. I was lying there during a commercial break and thinking about the simple and the entertaining. The things I really enjoy in this world seem to be things which remove me from it. With the babies I am wrapped up in all the possibilities in their lives (and focused on not dropping them). I love books, movies, tv, theatre, music and art not only for their aesthetic value but also for the escape they offer. Please, I say, make me forget, for just a little while, take me away.
For years I was an active part of the theatre community. I was a student, an apprentice, a technician, actor and manager. I loved many things about it, but one of the best was the feeling of creating another world and of carrying an audience away with you. “Words, when spoken aloud for the sake of performance are music and music has the power to lift us and move us and change us in ways literal meaning can’t.” Aaron Sorkin wrote that. He understands the power of a great speech, or a great song. Of escape.
I’m going to spend today listening to Camelot and Man of La Mancha because I want to be transported and because today there is one less person in the world who understands the gift and the power that is the music of the word.
Rest In Peace Robert


Tuesday, October 30

You Make Me Sick

Greetings from Hell, minions. I thought I would talk about the latest fall fashion accessory, ulcers. Who ever heard of a 28 year old with ulcers?!? I’m going to ask my stomach for a divorce. I honestly don’t see the point of having a stomach any more, and my intestines can kiss my ass.
N-E-Way. I’m in pain and I’m pissed off, which I’m not supposed to be b/c that just makes the pain worse. It’s a super-fun cycle of soymilk, Nexium, yogurt and Pepto. Since we all know I wasn’t exactly sweetness and light before this I think you might be able to imagine my present mood.
I’m trying to focus on the positive:
My Secret Lover (Brett Favre, shhh… don’t tell anyone)had a great game against the Broncos last night.
There was no Kristen Bell on Heroes this week, Thank God.
Foreman is back on House tonight. Can you imagine? TWO whole black men on House at the same time…too exciting.
There’s a new BV podcast up and another one on the way. They’re going to spend more time focusing on me…as we all should.
Ok- I’m working too hard at this positivism for this to be positive, so I’m just gonna’ go ‘relax’ with my crappy breathing exercises.

In comments: When someone tells you that you need to calm down or relax you usually…

Saturday, October 27

Missionary Positions Available

For those of you who don't know I am a fairly devout ( read: scarily obsessed) follower of the Black Vatican. I love the comic and I REALLY love the trinities but perhaps my favorite parts of the site are the podcasts. The latest one has been up for a couple of days and I apologize for the fact that it has taken me so long to get this review posted. Anyway minions, here it is:

Clinically Caucasian - Episode 3 on the BV Podcasting Network

Flynn and The Pater Major made a radical decision with this podcast which I respect if I don't completely applaud - they are completely sober. Gone are the amaretto sours and wandering dirty jokes of past podcasts. Sigh. And yes, it was still funny - but not drunkenly funny, so I felt more guilty for being wasted at 8 am on a Saturday than I really needed to. Still, this was the tightest one yet - they even had an agenda. It was packed with info on the site, Flynn's injuries (the boy needs a bubble), his special powers and the latest BV project, The BV Missionaries. What exactly is a BV Missionary, you ask? Well minions, I am and you can be too! All you have to do is embrace the teachings and laughter of the Black Vatican and then spread the word. How do you do that? Go to the website, idiot.
No, seriously, check out the website. We're still in the early days of the BV so there isn't a huge backlog of comics to slog through and they are divided into chapters to make it easier on you initiates. Check out the forums and the podcasts and then buy me some schwag! (I really want the beer stein or the Nerdy Girl long sleeve t shirt...up to you)
If you post the banner on your site and help spread the word YOU could be recognized as a BV Missionary (special undergarments and bicycle not included). So send the link to the people in your office, post it on your blog, spread it around the forums on walrus pron you frequent and watch your status within the BVatican grow!

This has been a paid advertisement for the Claims made do not necessarily reflect the thinking of A Whole New G or its subsidiaries. All right reserved. Will you just check out the damn website already?!?!

Friday, October 26

Don't Bring Me Down

I’m scared.
I woke up this morning to the realization that last night I had filled the coffee maker (decaf…but still), filled the cereal bowl and set out my clothes. There was nothing for me to do but take a shower and get dressed.
Last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was some of the most entertaining TV I’ve seen in a while. I don’t know if that means it was a really good episode or my life really sucks, but either way I had a great time watching it.
Then I fell asleep and actually had a pretty pain free night – or if I didn’t I slept through it.
It’s Friday which means I’m only a few hours away from not having to see The Evil Dead Bitch From Hell for two whole days!!!
AND I had a great idea for the next Bunny Story last night!
Problem now is, I’m happy. This can’t last. I know the world, well the World of G anyway, and I know that the day can’t stay this good.
But G, you say, what happened to ‘say yes to life’? Well, minions don’t ever quote me to me. I can be scared if I want to. Do you when my last good day was? No? Me neither – that’s how long ago it must have been.
Did I mention that I have season 4 of The L Word on DVD at home? I could completely be a Lesbian if I didn’t have to have sex with women. I’ve been waiting for this season to get here for-ev-er.
Now I can almost see the other shoe dangling on a thin thread above my head if I look up fast enough.
So, what’s up with my minions today?

Thursday, October 25

Cruel to be Kind

Twilight started yesterday around 3pm. The skies went black and opened up. We have been in desperate need of the rain. In my part of VA we are about 14 inches low for the year and everyone has been praying for a good soaker. Actually, we need ten or twelve good soakers but we’ll take what we can get.
For about a month now I’ve been on a water conservation kick. While I’ve always been extremely conscious of my power usage I must admit that I rarely think about my water usage; probably because I don’t pay for it. Now the NY Times Magazine, my local news and my conscience have ganged up on me. It turns out that I was already a pretty good water conservationist, but there were ways I could be better and I’ve been working on them. Since I don’t have a lawn and I let Mother Nature wash Pookie The Wonder Jetta there hasn’t been a great change in my daily routine. Taking any action, no matter how small, made me feel better while we all waited for rain.
It’s still coming down. I don’t know how many inches have fallen around the area but I do know that this is he kind of rain farmers love; steady but not hard and it has been slowing up every couple of hours so theground gets a chance to soak it all in before the tap gets turned on again.
It’s also the kind of rain known as “go ahead and blow your last personal day so you can sleep in and watch The Princess Bride and read a book and snuggle into your bed and listen to the rain”. More than anything I could use a day off with nothing to do. A stolen day from the responsibilities of my life. A day to pretend I’m not sick. It’s not going to happen before the end of the year at least, but I can sit here stare out the window and dream…

Wednesday, October 24

Sex, Lies and Ice Cream

Part 2 of the Bunny Saga... ( read part 1 here)

Hunny was aching in places other women didn’t know existed. Swinging around on a 12 foot pole performing acrobatic stunts without using her arms or legs was hard work. And yet, as had been said by kings and queens, Hunny was no ordinary woman.
Hunny’s talents were many and varied. She had been living in Hannibal, MO for the better part of a year now teaching Swahili and performing her avant-garde burlesque as a cover for her true mission – pumping Mr. Punkin La Saggine, the pre-eminent Pron Pontiff, for information on his very great friend, the President of Liechtenstein.
It was closing in on 3am and Hunny was relaxing after a long day and night of work with a bubble bath and some psychotropic substances, like you do, when something occurred to her. Her sister, Bunny, had created a computer program which could match people with the one flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream that they would never be able to resist with a simple questionnaire of 1001 questions. Hunny was to retrieve this information with liberal application of her feminine wiles. Trouble was that La Saggine was generally blissfully comatose after the most preliminary of applications and Hunny enjoyed wile wielding too much to be more conservative with it. Bunny needed that flavor information by Saturday. On Monday night there was to be a state dinner at the White House. Inside the President of Liechtenstein’s ice cream would be a pill designed to work specifically with his DNA to turn him into a slave of the DOD- he was a famous dieter, so not just any flavor would tempt him. Bunny had apparently learned nothing from her ‘lost weekend’.
Now Hunny had an idea as to what could possibly cool her blood enough so that she wouldn’t be roused into over-wiling the Pron Pontiff. She sunk further into the bath; enjoying the pleasant fragrance of the bath and watching her toes melt over its sides while mentally ticking through her options. Taking a job as an administrative assistant until she turned suicidal would take too long. Archeology always made her think of broken pottery and got her ‘all het up’. She used puppet wrangling in her act- so that was out… It wasn’t until the sounds of the pedal rikshaws and segways drifted up through her open window that she finally knew what she had to do.
Hunny rose from the tub and walked dripping and naked over to her TV. Settling down on her bed with the remote in hand she called up this week’s episode of Heroes on her DVR. After watching Kristen Bell’s performance constantly for 30 minutes Hunny was not only dry but also slightly nauseated. There was no way she would over wile now, not with that grating voice and those stiff expressions running through her mind. Even the drugs couldn’t have made it palatable… oh well. It had to be done…and so did the Pron Pontiff!

As Hunny started to dress she wondered what he sister Sunny was up to…

Ginteractive Storytelling

I need some answers, minions! In comments please list:
1. A Country
2. A US City
3. A type of transportation
4. A language
5. A Job Title
6. Something that has made you smile today.

You’ll soon come to understand the ways of the World of G. Well, as much as a beloved minion can, anyway. Get to typing!!!

Tuesday, October 23

Let's Get It Started...or Get Retarded...whatever

They say that sometimes when you don’t know what to write you just have to start writing anyway. Professionals that I have heard interviewed have said that even when they feel they have nothing they will sit down and type, sometimes gibberish, until the ideas start to flow. It’s another version of ‘use it or lose it’, I suppose.
Well, what happens when you have the opposite problem? I have plenty of tiny snippets of musings and wonderings running through my head and nothing tangible enough to put together before you, my minions, to feast on.
There’s bit of a Bunny story in there (I think she has a sister, Hunny, who is a stripper and a spy).
We have GOT to get Veronica Mars-Bars off of Heroes. I’m not kidding, minions, I will not have that woman ruining my show.
I haven’t had any fun in too long and I’ve been trying to think how to fix that. The thing is, the harder you have to think about it, the less fun it is. (True for so many things)
There are people on this planet who waste the oxygen they breathe and one of them works in my office. The fact that she is still alive is a testament to my awesome will power.
Killing people is bad… Every life is sacred…blah, blah, blah – but I really can’t stand that woman.
I now have three charities that I’m trying to help and still no money. What the hell was I thinking???
I thought that the point of following your doctor’s orders was that you were supposed to feel better? I’ve been feeling pretty steadily worse. Maybe I should have done more than glance at those diplomas on his wall.
If more people are going to join the football pool they need to be people who suck. I’m just saying…
I know that bad things happen to everyone. Do I just notice it more when they happen to good people?
I want to get in Pookie the Wonder Jetta, turn up the radio and just drive for a couple hours. I think I’d feel too guilty about the wasted gas to do it though.
Maybe I am insane. It’s possible.

Saturday, October 20

Feel The Love-iness

In case you couldn't tell, the past week has been a trifle difficult in the World of G. There have been idiots, assholes and droughts as well as despair, violent feelings and stomach cramps. At the moment the Life of G is a mite painful. There are things that help, some of them are even legal. The things that help the most are laughter and feeling like I've done something productive in my role as Wench Goddess of the Universe. How wonderful was it then, that I was able to find these two things all wrapped up in a tidy package?! Quite wonderful, thank you.
I was watching the Colbert Report online (because I am one of SC's beautiful, beautiful people) and he mentioned this site : where teachers who need charitable donations will post their stories and you, minions, can donate directly to them. It's pretty cool. You can donate in the name of a candidate for office, hence Stephen's involvement, or you can donate in the name of a person or family.
As we all know I am basically broke. I'm excited that I had enough gas to get me down to the hospital where I volunteer three nights a week and I know that none of you are rolling in the dough, but I do wish you would check this site out. You can search by state and city and it's a great way to find out what's going on in your community. I'm going to pick one in SC and one in VA and see if I can't figure out a way to help. I'd like to think maybe one or two of you will join me.

Friday, October 19

Manners are Rude

Someone really needs to explain this to me. What business of yours is how I happen to be doing on any given day? I do not know you; I am probably speaking to you on the phone in order to direct your call to someone else or answer a general question. Do you need to know my mental state in order for me to do that? Does it do anything other than waste my time? No- I don’t think so. Why then, am I forced to lie upwards of 50 times a day in order to be considered polite?
Here’s my thing, minions: don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to. This is something that has been bothering me for months now. Someone calls in and asks me how I’m doing and I’m supposed to say “Fine, and you?” and then they answer and then maybe, just maybe they’ll get around to the real reason they called and in the meantime the phones are ringing off the hook! Yet if they ask me that question and I say “I’m busy and frustrated because you’re holding me up”, then I’M the rude one. I honestly do not understand the point of that question.
Let’s say it takes 10-15 seconds for the ‘how are you’ exchange. By the end of my day that it approximately 12.5 minutes of my life you have forced me to spend lying about how I am and pretending to care about the lie you’re about to tell me. I don’t know about you, but I have so many other things I could be spending that time doing.
If you are not family, a friend, or a minion who actually wants to know how I am then

end of lecture… if you think I went a little too far please go check out the Captain
and then you can kiss my ass

Thursday, October 18


I make less than practically anyone else in the company for what is supposedly a “very important” job and is assuredly an annoying, coma/ulcer inducing one.
But I’m not angry.
I can’t leave my job because I’m sick and I need the health insurance benefits.
But I’m not angry.
I can’t really confront my bosses about my issues because it would be cheaper and easier for them to replace me than it would be for them to fix anything.
But I’m not angry.
I’ve been looking for a part time job for after work and on weekends to help with my bills and can’t find anything that will work with my schedule.
But I’m not angry.
None of my family or friends wants to hear about any of this, they basically tell me to fix it or stop whining.
But I’m not angry.
Actual conversation that happened yesterday:
Me (paging): K pick up line 601 for Boss. Kim 601 for Boss.
J: (yelling from somewhere down the hall) WHO???
Me: K.
J: WHO???
Me: K!
J: WHO???
Me: K!!!
J: (screaming) Stop screaming down the hallway! What’s wrong with you?
Why should I be angry?
In the past three days I have been told that I am too loud, too dramatic, and unprofessional as well as too quiet and too serious. I cannot win and no one will leave me alone.
But I’m not angry.
I wake up every morning dreading having to leave my bed and come to this place where I completely waste a college degree that I’m still paying for.
But I’m not angry.
My bills are these:
Rent, Power, Car payments, Insurance, Gas, Food, payment into bookstore fund- and I rarely have any money left over. I don’t have cable, I don’t buy new clothes, I rarely go out. I don’t buy books or music, I don’t go to movies. I am barely getting by.
But I’m not angry.
I have goals and dreams and I will sacrifice for them. I will do whatever must be done to get out of here. Don’t ask me how I’m doing, don’t ask me if I want to talk. I’m not fine and I don’t want to talk about it. I am stuck in hell for the next 10 months and I do not want to talk about it. I swear there is no way out that you can think of that I haven’t already thought of. I can’t do or have any of the things I want for 10 more months so I’ll get through it. Freedom will be worth it.

Tuesday, October 16

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Gut Feelings

I have been put on a diet by Dr. G. He has cut my caffeine, limited my salt and sugar and doubled my calcium and fiber intake among other annoying things ( He tried to take away my Ben and Jerry’s which almost led to bloodshed, but ended in compromise) . He’s a Gastroenterologist so you’d think that he’d be trying to cut me open or snake something through my intestines or at least give me a pill or something, but no- he’s put me on a diet. Only he doesn’t call it that. He’s says to me, “Oh Great and Mighty G, we need to change the way you eat.” Ok, so it was more along the lines of being thoroughly exasperated that I hadn’t done what he told me to do the first two times I’d come into his office. Apparently my immune system and GI tract are not playing nice. What I need to do is scrub the thing clean and help them become friends again. This means I need certain nutrients more than others. Basically my choices are get on the diet and stay on it or go through some torturous unpleasant medical procedures. So I’m on the diet. I’ve been doing it for about a week now and I’ve started to figure some things out- the first being that it really isn’t that hard to change the way you eat. Instead of looking at calories and fat content on the labels of boxes I’m looking for calcium, antioxidants, fiber and magnesium content. I went online and looked up which foods have the highest levels of these (did you know that nuts have calcium? Me neither.) Then I just started paying more attention to what I buy. There’s a soymilk that has calcium, fiber, protein and magnesium. There’s pasta that has fiber, Omega 3’s and antioxidants. There are plenty of veggies I was already friends with that have all kinds of goodness in them. Spinach is basically a wonder food. Who knew? Well, Popeye, obviously.
N. E. WAY!
Let me walk slowly backwards from the soapbox I was approaching and sum up with this: How about instead of all of these crazy diets that I see people yo yo on and all of these crazy powders and supplements that people pay millions each year for we make a change. Why don’t we all stop counting calories and start counting vitamins and minerals? Why don’t we start planning our meals based around what our body needs? You know what will happen then- people will lose weight. They will probably end up cutting calories and fat as well, but at the very least they will know that everything that goes in to their bodies will be something they can use. (Oops! Might have tripped and fallen onto the soapbox there, sorry).
I’m on this diet with strict levels of nutrients I need to hit each day for the next 6 weeks. Then we’ll reevaluate and I’ll probably be turned loose with an admonition to “stop eating stupid”. This is something Dr. G has said to me two times before…hopefully this time it will stick.
On another note: Am I the only Heroes fan bothered by the fact that Kristen Bell is joining the cast? I’ve never seen her act in anything where she wasn’t snarky, which makes me think it’s a personality trait and worry about her character on the show. We don’t need snarky. I am not happy about this, minions, not at all.

Friday, October 12


Susan's been giving out the questions willy nilly over at Random Moments, but they're so good you can't blame us all for lining up...

1.When asked if they'd go back and change something in their lives, a lot of people will say "no". I believe this is total bs. If you could go back and tell the younger G to change one thing, what would it be? This could be anything from not getting involved with a certain someone to "please, for the love of god, don't get your picture taken with crimped hair and 3 gallons of aquanet"..wait..maybe that's what I'd tell the younger me..
This is going to sound strange, but I would make sure I hung on to the box. When I was packing up after my freshman year of college there was on box that held all of my pictures, notes, letters and all the memorabilia that I really wanted to keep. It went into summer storage with everything else because most of it had hung on my wall and I wanted it to again. I didn’t return to school in Santa Fe and when I went to get everything from storage the box wasn’t there. I can still see some of the pictures in there. I can remember snatches of the notes. I don’t know why, but I feel the loss of that box sometimes like a physical ache. It was everything that really mattered to me from that time in my life.

2.It's time to hit the club! After a few shots you hear a song and scream "Oh my god I love this song!!!" What's the song? What song do you hear five minutes later and scream the same thing over but it's a booty shakin' song?
Ok- here’s the thing: Sad as it is G doesn’t get out to the clubs too often. In fact, it’s been over a year. Bars, yes- clubs no. This really is sad, b/c I’m a pretty good dancer. After a couple of shots I will yell out ‘I love this song’ at every song. Yes. I am that girl. The first one would probably be some old school Michael Jackson (Off the Wall or something else really early 80’s) and the booty song would probably be by OutKast … maybe 50, depending on how many shots there had been :)

3.You're suddenly teleported into a Disney movie. Which princess are you most like? Which of the princes from the movies is going to be your knight in shining armor? Which villain scares the absolute hell out of you? Oh and which trick do you fall for—ie: prick your finger on a spindle, eat a poison apple…
I think I’m most like Ariel. I’m looking for something more in my life, a radical change. I want a chance to step into the unknown, despite the dangers. I want it badly enough that I would probably fall into the same trap that she does. In fact I am very wary of helping hands because I realize my vulnerability at this moment. My Prince would probably be Aladdin. Most of the guys I’ve dated have been choices that the people around me haven’t understood- but I saw the gold in them. As for the villains- they all scare the hell out of me. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t kick some ass…

4. You just won a shopping spree! What stores do you hit first? What are you buying me? :)
Waldenbooks, Nordstrom, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Nine West, Godiva. Well, first off I’m sure I’d buy you a teddy bear, because I already promised. Then I’d probably just see random things that reminded me of you and grab them.

5. Last but certainly not least, what keeps you going? Is it coffee? Hope? An undying optimistic characteristic? The hope for world domination??
Since I’m off caffeine for a while (thanks doc) I’ll have to say that it’s a combination of things:
A fear of having (more) regrets
A burning desire for happiness
Anger at many things and a desire to fix them
Love of my family and friends
Hope for love and a family of my own

Thursday, October 11

Strange Fruit At My Breaking Point

I had a plan. I was gathering 200 factoids and tidbits about my self along with general witticisms and G trivia for this, my 200th post. Then I saw the news this morning. It was actually the words “Columbia University Teachers College” that got my attention, because that is where Papa G got his masters degree. For those of you who don’t know here is the story:
Professor Madonna Constantine arrived at work on Tuesday morning to find a noose hanging from the door to her office. Constantine is a professor of psychology and education at the renowned Teachers College. She also co-wrote a book “Addressing Racism: Facilitating Cultural Competence in Mental Health and Educational Settings”.
Instead of doing her work on Tuesday she spent the day focused on this violation. The NYPD Hate Crimes detectives were called in and plans were made to address the students and explain the presence of the police on campus. This morning Professor Constantine appeared on Good Morning America and what struck me was when she was asked how this made her feel (surely the most inane of questions) one of her answers was ‘embarrassed’. I felt a strange kinship with her in that moment. Can you understand that Minions? Can you understand what it is to be violated and angry and at the same time embarrassed, even though you know you shouldn’t be and that you did nothing wrong?
I am angry. At this moment I am fearsomely, violently angry. The scum who fashioned this noose meant for her to feel fear, shame and pain. This is exactly what the piece of shit wanted. I’m also tired; tired of people boiling everything down to the lowest and most base levels and targeting those who try to rise above.
I don’t care what his or her motives were. I don’t care what happened to make him that way. I wish that I could take all of my brothers and sisters of color away somewhere where they would be safe. Emotionally and physically.
I am an interracial American, educated and liberal minded- and I want to flee. I know that at some point later today I will calm down. I will see that we all need to make a stand against this together and I will remember that the violent actions and intentions of one do not speak for a group.
I’m tired of having to remember. I’m tired of the confederate flags and the “Never apologize for being white” bumper stickers. I’m tired of the nooses in the trees and on the doorknobs. I’m tired of Bill O’Reilly and the fucking Republican Party. I’m tired of having to deal with it every day. I’m tired of forgiving and I’m tired of educating. I’m tired of the fear and the strain. I’m tired of the little slights that I let go every day and I’m tired of waking up in the morning to some fresh new steaming pile of shit on the airwaves.
Papa G says “All you absolutely have to do in this life is stay Black and die”. Let me tell you that some days it’s a hell of a lot of work.

Wednesday, October 10

It's All About Soul

There are two kinds of people in the world- people who want to say no and people who want to say yes. I don’t mean to separate everyone into optimists and pessimists, but people who take action and those who deny it.
I see this all around me. V is making a decision right now which will change the course of her life. She has no way of knowing whether it will ultimately be for the better, but she is climbing her way up and preparing to jump off the cliff. I see the people I volunteer with making the time in their lives to do something for someone else. I see people getting out into the world and making some type of change, leaving some type of footprint. I also see people completely unconnected from what they want in this life. They don’t know what their dreams are and so have no way of getting anywhere near them.
I really think everyone needs to stop for a minute, and hour or a day. Stop and take the time for some self reflection, Minions. What is it that you need in your life and how are you going to get it? I’m talking about the big things and the little things. Why have you never planted the garden you’ve been talking about for years, or learned how to use that software? Why are you spending more time on the things you have to do than the ones you want to do? Do you even know what it is you want?
Wake up and pay some attention to yourself. No one else is going to fix your life; you need to do that yourself. Make a plan, figure out how you’re going to take the first step and then just take it. You don’t have to see the end of the road.
“All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don’t sit looking at it- WALK.” – Ayn Rand
The entire change may be huge or tiny; it may be noticeable to everyone or only to you. The entire change may be unbearably hard but the steps? The steps are simple. Left foot, right foot. Do it now, because you don’t know how long you’ll have. Do it now because regrets are venomous. Do it now because it is what you owe yourself. Say yes.

Monday, October 8

The Meaningless and All That's True...

I got up crazy early on Saturday. Again. This time it wasn’t to go to work, but to go to a class offered at the hospital where I volunteer. I now know a lot more than I ever wanted to about babies and HIV/AIDS. Then came a good cry in the shower at home. Somehow I never feel guilty about crying in the shower, when I do feel guilty about crying in general.
Talked to Papa G Saturday evening. He’ll be visiting again for his birthday in December and we’re going to go see James Blake and Serena Williams in an exhibition match at a cancer research fundraiser. I’m pretty excited about it. For some reason I mentioned my plans to move to Seattle and go back to school to him and he reacted exactly as I thought he would. After that round of crying I decided to quit the world. I pulled out Voyager, The Drums of Autumn and A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon and started to read. I was awake until well after three in the morning, but had nothing to do on Sunday and so didn’t care.
On Sunday morning things were looking up. It was a gorgeous day outside and I found some regular coffee in the back of my freezer and decided to treat myself. Then I saw the shrimp and decided to really treat myself. I made myself some coffee with actual caffeine in it and shrimp and grits and settled down again with my book, then George Stephanopoulos and then my book again.
Life was good; no- life was great, until the conversation with Mama G about the conversation with Papa G. Since I hadn’t taken a shower anyway I figured, what the hell…
I read all day long. When I finished one book I picked up the next in the series. After dinner I settled in to watch my secret lover lead his team to another win only to find that Jones ‘great hands’ had taken the night off as had McCarthy’s coaching ability. After screaming myself hoarse and basically having a temper tantrum during the last 3 minutes of the game I turned the TV off.
I picked up my book again.