Saturday, February 17

Bad Enough Already

AS if it wasn't bad enough already that I am at work on a Saturday I got to have a nice little fight with my mother this morning. I did something mildly stupid that had some people pissed at me and I called her for a little support. After the pulling of teeth said support was acquired. (Don't know where that sentence structure or wording came from, but I'm leaving it alone) I was about to get off of the phone when the inevitable snarky/seriously hurtful comment came. These have been coming with regularity lately and I have to say that I'm getting damn tired of them. I told her that was hurtful and I was hanging up. A minute later my phone rang and as I clicked it onto silent I wondered what were the chances of her leaving me a message along the lines of "sorry I was such a bitch" vs. "fine, if you want to be pissed I'll give you something to be pissed about". Of course I got the second message. "If you aren't going to talk to me again then let me give you a real reason..."
Not only is that fucking childish it is referring to the last time I wasn't speaking to you when you IGNORED MY HOSPITALIZATION because it interfered with your weekend! If this was designed to shame me in any way or 'bring me to heel' she completely misjudged her audience. Truth is- I'm even more pissed off. She would have gotten a lot farther with the 'I am your mother and you do not ever hang up on me' tack. Even though I didn't technically hang up on her I still would probably have called to apologize. But this shit is ridiculous. I'm tired of calling her about a job I am really excited about and getting " Well, this is the type of job where you would have to be really organized. You know, they would want you to just run with this and it would all be on you." Thanks. I hadn't thought of that. Now that I realize what a dim fuckwit I really am I will make sure that if they call me for an interview I tell them that of course I could never take it- I'm too disorganized and lazy.
Or when we talked about my bookstore " Well that is a dream that just isn't going to happen, you should work on a dream you can accomplish" How I didn't just say FUCK YOU at that point and hang up the phone I do not know. I told myself she didn't mean it that way- she just meant that being able to afford to open the store would be really hard. And then today I am telling her that my dad is letting me use his credit card to get some concert tickets and my friends and I are sending him checks and she says "Make sure you don't use that card for anything else." Right because I did that once when I was in high school (it might have been freshman year of college) and of course I got busted (I've never been good at getting away with anything AND there was some serious passive aggressive stuff going on between my father and myself that played into that as well(never mind)) and got punished and now ten years later she assumes that of course I am going to go right out and buy all kinds of things with this number. Because I am basically a thief with no sense of morality and definitely not a person who learns from past mistakes and is trying to build some type of relationship with her father. Obviously!
I am SO ANGRY right now that I could scream but I can't do that because I am at work. So instead I will bore all of you in blogland with this crap because if I don't get it out I could very well have another panic attack.
I try not to look to her for support. My mother has never been the cuddles and kisses type. Her freaking out over a childhood scrape would be yelling at me while bandaging it. It's a personality thing and as much as I knew she loved me I also knew that she would never be able to give me what I needed from her. She doesn't call you and tell you that everything will be alright- she tells you where you messed up and what you need to do to fix it. I got used to things like that and made friends who were great at the 'mothering'. This has moved beyond that.
I was there for her as much as I could be after our worlds came crumbling down. I tried to be strong for her. I failed once spectacularly when my roommate started throwing things at me after my boyfriend broke up with me at the same time I found out my entire family had been lying to me for over two years and I just couldn't hold it together. When I couldn't stop crying she told me she couldn't deal with me just then. I got a friend to come and get me. Since that time I have tried my best to keep my shit mine and be as supportive of her as I could. She has blossomed and my life has pretty much sucked. That is not her fault. She has no reassurances to give me and that is not her fault. I'm sure she had a good reason for waiting two days before trying to contact me after I was in the hospital.
I WILL NOT be spoken to the way that she spoke to me today any more. If you don't have anything nice to say then you can damn well shut your mouth. It is hard enough to be me at this moment and make it through each day trying to build some type of life for myself out of the ashes of 2005. I don't need your negativity in my ear. I need help and if you can't help then I need you to stay out of my way. So no. I will not be calling her any more. There are enough voices in my own head telling me what I can't do and what I should let go. Why should I use my cell minutes to hear one more?

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