Friday, May 25

My Boyfriend's Back

I was finished packing and I was looking forward to an early night before working all day and then driving 6 hours to Chucktown, but alas it was not to be.
“Why G? Why was it not to be?” you ask.
“Because, Peon, MY BOYFRIEND IS BACK!!!”
That’s right children; Aaron did NOT desert me after all. On the contrary, he brought a friend back with him!!! Not only was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip back on television last night, but Allison Janney (arguably the coolest woman ever on TV) was the guest star. Can it get any better? You’d think not. But wait- there’s more! It was a show filled with disasters and fun banter between CJ and Danny…um Allison and Timothy. I was so nostalgic for the West Wing I could have cried. I didn’t, but I could have and that’s the point.
I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if they’re just running out the season or if S60 might actually be getting another chance, but thank you NBC, for at least letting me see the last couple of episodes. Thank you Aaron for- well- all of it, and thank you GE (the person- not the company) for making this post possible.

Thursday, May 24

Wimp to Wonder Woman in 1 Easy Step

I’m going. This is silly bordering on stupid. I am going to drive to Chucktown after work tomorrow. I am going to hang out with my sisters and my mom AND my dad and maybe even wife #5. I am going to see Colonel Mustard and the Condiments live and in person and if I’m really lucky I’ll get to see Mr. Marcus “Ice Cold” James on stage with them. If it is awkward when I get there well, that is what alcohol is for!
Aaah. I feel so much better. Why was I moping around with my bloody mary’s and my hurt feelings? This is so much better. Action. I am all about action. I should be an action figure! (OK- maybe that was one too many cups of coffee)
To Sum Up:
G is no longer a whiny little bitch. She is instead a Volkswagen driving, concert going, taking laundry home badass! Go South young wench...and all that jive...

Weekend Plans

My brother will be on TV again!!! (say it NOW!)

Yes, it is a cheesy mini series, but these are the things you do for family! Here's the email I got:

OK, not exactly MY mini-series; but I'm in it.This Sat/Sun night on the Hallmark channel.
Myself and my new best good buddy Faye Dunaway. Faye, that's what I call her, plays the Gov. of California and I play her Chief of Staff. Sorry your Memorial Day weekend party plans have to be changed - but thanks for staying home Sat/Sun night to support me. I'll be in Vegas, so somebody Tivo it for me


Well, I'll be home- but cableless (did I just make up a word?) so if any of you want to tape it and send it to the G that would be great! Either way- check it out. He's adorable.

Wednesday, May 23

Beast of Burden

It’s my fault. I cut almost all of my old friends when I left Chucktown, SC. Although I missed them it was just too hard to deal with them (and their questions about my ‘new’ life). Eventually I built myself a life here and now when I go back I don’t exactly dread bumping into someone but I don’t seek them out either. When I got sucked into the vortex of MySpace I found most of them- did some recon and didn’t let them know I was there. There are only two people I tried to reconnect with.
Now there is a big reunion that everyone has apparently been excited about for some time. I found out by through one of the reconnections. It is happening this weekend. All the C of C theatre folk are getting together and our cheesy college band ‘Colonel Mustard and the Condiments’ are playing at a local bar.
I wasn’t invited. This is my fault. I’m the one who didn’t return phone calls or emails for over a year. I did my best to drop off their radar screen and now I don’t get to pout about being left out. So, why does it hurt so much? And why am I suddenly thinking about taking a drive down to Chucktown that I can’t really afford?

Tuesday, May 22


Last week Boss and another woman in our office decided to start fasting. They weren’t doing it for religious reasons, or to lose weight- they were doing it to get rid of parasites. Yes, parasites. Apparently our bodies are full of parasites from the food we eat and things we drink. Both of them wanted to start eating more organic and/or healthier foods and really, what’s the point of that if your parasites are going to be getting all the nutrients from your $9 tomato? So for one week they ate no solid food. They followed a fasting plan they had found that revolved mostly around this tea they drank all day while the rest of us taunted them with baked goods and French fries.
This morning I come in to work and SM tells me that Boss has the stomach flu that has been ripping my fair city a new one for a couple weeks now. I keep thinking about all her smug looks and little speeches and I must say that I giggle. I do.
It’s not that I’m against a healthy lifestyle, or organic foods. (Although I do think buying local is more important for your community and your planet) I just happen to enjoy it when any extremist gets knocked off of their soapbox. If they get knocked onto their knees in front of the Porcelain God- so much the better. This is what happens to those who mock my Back Yard Burger!

Monday, May 21

Blog Envy

I'm not the funny one, or the smart one, or the sexy one. I feel like SUCH a middle child (except I'm not related to any of these bloggers. Well my dears, no post today. Mostly it's because I am too busy thinking homicidal thoughts about my coworkers to be able to type effectively ( and we all know how important efficacy is in blogland) but my Official Excuse is that I am not as cool as these other blogs you should be reading instead:
Ministry of Linus
Company Bitch

Thursday, May 17

Know Thyself ... Sorta

Yesterday at work I got this email:

Describe me in one word.... just one single word. Send it to me and to me only. Then send this message to all your friends and see how many strange & interesting things they say about you. This is really fun.Here's how to Play: 1. Hit the reply key and send me my one word. 2. Then return to this message, and forward it to your friends(including me) and see what people say about you when limited to one word!!!The Game is On!!!!!!

Of course it is impossible to describe someone in one word. What people are really looking for are compliments…and clues. They want to force you to say something nice about them and (if they are at all narcissistic) use that one thing to infer others about how you see them. I am not at all above this. Frankly there isn’t much that I’m above when it’s mid morning and the telephones are driving me crazy. So here is what was said about me:


While I am, undoubtedly fantastic, can on occasion be facetious, and have always been eccentric I refuse to claim either bubbly or cheerful as they are generally misunderstood sarcasm or tools used to mask the internal gnashing of teeth taking place.
I’ll see your funny and raise you hilarious, sexy, brilliant AND modest. So HA!

Wednesday, May 16

Allergy Apology

It’s not that I have anything specifically against the pharmaceutical companies- it’s just a feeling that if I took the time to look I could find plenty to be pissed about. Still, I’ve never been one to jump to conclusions (I don’t have the mat or anything) so I’ve just stayed quiet when others debated the evils of Pfizer and their ilk.
Now I also have never had allergies in my life- until this week. My head has staged a revolt against the rest of my body. My head is SC in 1861. My head hates me and is making its hatred known. I am NOT being melodramatic here. The past four days have held nothing but pounding, dripping, blowing, itching, and coughing HELL with a distinct lack of oxygen.
So when a new friend, who happens to be a pharmaceutical rep, offered to drop by my office with some samples of nuclear strength allergy meds I could not say no. The flesh is weak and the flesh lives in one of the worst states for allergies in the nation. So the Rep will be here after lunch and I will squash any errant bourgeois liberal guilt with the pounding of my sinus headache and take the pills. And be grateful.

Saturday, May 12

P. A. T. M.

If I say I don't want to talk to you that does, indeed, mean text messaging as well.If you're angry I probably don't want to hear about it because I do not want to talk. This is my right. If I say I am not angry then I am not angry. When I get angry you'll know it. Annoyed? Quite possibly. Does it have anything to do with you? Didn't so much before but now...


Why make someone who said they didn't want to speak with you (TWICE) have to read your words? Why force yourself on someone like that?

We need rules. Text Messaging rules. Quite possibly voicemail rules as well. I am making a direct appeal to HSBP. If you read this- please help, we need a Papal Decree on the Use of Text Messages.

What the *@&#???

It all started with Tequila. That should tell you something right there, shouldn't it?
When I went home for the Birthday Smackdown Mama G took me to Raval, a great bar in Chucktown, SC that serves infused tequila margaritas. Que? Well, it's tequila with vanilla beans, pineapple and cinnamon sticks that you keep for a few days and then mix with a lime juice (or limeade--depending on your girlishness). It was 'Nectar of the Gods good', as Mama G says.
So, I tried a recreation for V's Cinco De Mayo party which went over rather well. I then had to open my big mouth about my libational expertise (did I just coin a new phrase or shoot the English language in the foot? I can never tell.) and ended up in Ghent last night delivering some El Matador to a party.
Why would a guy I never actually dated be telling his parents about me? Don't know. Why would this guy invite my Friend to his party? Don't know. Why would I get stuck in a conversation with said Friend, guy and guy's mother? Because obviously the universe is pissed at me about something.
If this all sounds confusing to you believe me it was worse in person. I had already tried to leave three times, I was late for skeeball and that is something I take VERY seriously. I finally get out the door and am driving through the tunnel (actually stopped in the crap traffic right before the tunnel) when I reach in my bag to call V and tell her that I'm (finally) on my way and, of course, my cell phone is not in the bag. Not in the car. I have left my cell phone in hell.
Hell, at this point being a party with a guy I've slept with, one who wants to sleep with me, and wanter's mother. Ok there were others there as well, but I paid them no attention. I had to drive through the tunnel and then all the way back down to hell to get the phone. Of course both guys took this as a sign that I secretly wanted them and getting out of there was more fraught than the first three time I had attempted it. But I was determined. No one was going to stand between me and my night of skeeball.
Back in the car I check my messages and there is one from V. Now she hadn't been drinking (she was at Chuck E Cheese with our boss' kids) and I wasn't really that late, but the message she left called me a liar and a terrible person. Seriously.
Instead of driving to C.E.C. and bitch slapping her (first instinct) I turned off my phone, went home and had my own party with El Matador and BladeRunner (the director's cut without the voice-over. Very cool.)
Maybe I should have stayed at the party and confronted my penis demons, or maybe I should have gone and had it out with V. I'm sure either of those would have been more appropriate in a clearing-the-universe-of-my-weirdness kind of way but really, who wouldn't rather have a night with tequila and a young Harrison Ford?

Thursday, May 10

Heal Thyself

Sometimes I need to remember to listen to my own (stolen) advice.

MySpace Is A Tool Of Satan

I want children. Eventually. I want a husband and a better job first, but I do want children. As the years go by (not that many of them really, but it starts to feel that way sometimes) I want them more. I see people around me with families and 'real adult lives' and I still don't own a couch. Whatever (she says with uplifted chin).
I was dragged onto MySpace by V and My Soldier. For a moment I was giddy with the prospect or reconnecting with those I had lost touch with along the road of life. I forgot momentarily that there were reasons we took different turns off of that road. (Alright- that was a badly executed metaphor...see, SEE what this is doing to me!!!)
There were only two people I found that I had truly missed and I while I am grateful for that I am in severe psychic pain because of the BABIES! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!
I remember when I would go out and see people my age with children and feel bad for them. Now the tables have turned and I am tired of getting constantly asked when my child bearing hips will live up to their name. In the normal course of human existence one can avoid many of these encounters...but on MySpace it is impossible. My so called 'friends' are all married. With children. and not just children- beautiful children.
This is bullshit. I am 28 years old and should not be freaking out about things like this. I am way too young for this shit. I am. Seriously.
You know what I need? I need to spend a massive amount of time in bed with a hot guy who doesn't care that I don't own a couch, is grateful my hips have not borne children, and is able to make me forget my own name- much less my sad existence and the fact that three ex boyfriends of mine are married with kids. Cross your fingers that I'm not at work tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 9

Free At Last

No boss for the rest of the week!

The only good thing about not getting to go to the conference in Orlando (and see my friends) is that practically EVERYONE in management and sales did go. The office is like a ghost town. I'm not sure that things could get much better. Well, Evil Dead could decide to take the rest of the week off as well, but I doubt that will happen. At least she's wearing a bra today- yesterday was scary.

Just wanted to post because I one popping their head into my office... no one wandering the halls... aaah- life is good

Monday, May 7

A Prayer

Yea though I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of the Workweek I shall fear no Monday for Thou art with me. Thy lunch break and happy hour they comfort me. Thou preparest an icy mug of beer for me in the presence of mine enemies. Surely sleeping late and weekends shall follow me all the days of my life.

Saturday, May 5


I am straining against the chains of my life. The wanting in me has grown to a constant fevered idea that there must be MORE than this. I have no idea what I mean. There is just this feeling that nothing seems to soothe.
Nothing is wrong. Not true. There are so many things wrong with this world that I have come to believe that denial and superficiality are necessary to the survival of the human species. If we really took a long hard look at the state of the world who would be able to get out of bed in the morning? But in my particular little slice of the universe there isn't much wrong. I have a job that I don't hate (and actually like some days!), I have good friends, the majority of my family is healthy and safe. I have my volunteer work, good books, fantastic music and an adequate supply of sex toys. SO... what the hell? Why this chafing and straining of the spirit? I don't mean spirit in the religious sense... or maybe I do.
If someone was to ask me what was missing from my life I would answer automatically: a man and a dog- not necessarily in that order. Well, I can't have a dog in my apartment (and can't truly afford one right now anyway) and I just haven't met a man who interests me. Not that I've been a nun- but I haven't met anyone I want to share my Sunday NY Times with.
And still this does not feel like a "G is lonely" thing. This is more than the high school reunion invitation that came right before my birthday (great timing guys, thanks, really).
This is not a feeling that the answers are missing, but that I am asking the wrong questions and that disturbs me greatly. After R left me kicked into the dirt I set about building a life for myself- a whole life. I thought I was doing very well. Damn it I am doing very well but something is missing. When I figure out what it is- I'll let you know.