Saturday, May 5

Huh?

I am straining against the chains of my life. The wanting in me has grown to a constant fevered idea that there must be MORE than this. I have no idea what I mean. There is just this feeling that nothing seems to soothe.
Nothing is wrong. Not true. There are so many things wrong with this world that I have come to believe that denial and superficiality are necessary to the survival of the human species. If we really took a long hard look at the state of the world who would be able to get out of bed in the morning? But in my particular little slice of the universe there isn't much wrong. I have a job that I don't hate (and actually like some days!), I have good friends, the majority of my family is healthy and safe. I have my volunteer work, good books, fantastic music and an adequate supply of sex toys. SO... what the hell? Why this chafing and straining of the spirit? I don't mean spirit in the religious sense... or maybe I do.
If someone was to ask me what was missing from my life I would answer automatically: a man and a dog- not necessarily in that order. Well, I can't have a dog in my apartment (and can't truly afford one right now anyway) and I just haven't met a man who interests me. Not that I've been a nun- but I haven't met anyone I want to share my Sunday NY Times with.
And still this does not feel like a "G is lonely" thing. This is more than the high school reunion invitation that came right before my birthday (great timing guys, thanks, really).
This is not a feeling that the answers are missing, but that I am asking the wrong questions and that disturbs me greatly. After R left me kicked into the dirt I set about building a life for myself- a whole life. I thought I was doing very well. Damn it I am doing very well but something is missing. When I figure out what it is- I'll let you know.

1 Comment:

His Sinfulness said...

I've been asking myself this question for years now; despite that, I have no wisdom to offer. I can only tell you that you aren't alone in feeling this way.