Wednesday, June 27

Mama G, I'm ready for my close up!

My mother has always had a leading role in the story of my life. Possibly more than is healthy she has been at various times the producer, director and screenwriter. Since I moved over 400 miles away her hold has diminished considerably and at times this has made both of us uncomfortable in different ways. She is still my best friend and my hero (and the voice in my head) but she is also one of the reasons I moved so far away.
When I was younger I thought it would always be easy to make friends. I couldn’t understand why my mother didn’t seems to make friends each time we moved as quickly or in as much variety as I did. I was too young to recognize her innate shyness and too inexperienced to understand the minefield that you must cross to forge a friendship once you are out in the ‘real world’.
Looking back on my parents’ marriage now I thin that part of the reason it lasted so long was her loneliness and fear. At some point she just couldn’t stay any longer, but that point was a long time coming. She has since been on a steep road back to herself. I cannot adequately express how proud I am to have seen her pick herself up off the floor and rebuild a life. Her world is now full of friends; close girlfriends, family friends, have a drink after work friends, travel friends- she has them all. I am grateful and I am sometimes a little jealous.
Last night I called her just to say hi. We started talking about Joe and her bitterness just streamed through the phone. I forget sometimes, because of all the friends she has and the full life she leads, how much she was hurt. I forget and I just want my mother to be excited for my happiness. We are both wrong and both right. It is complicated to have a serious leading man in my life when it has been a one woman show for so long (we don’t count walk-ons here). It is more complicated when my director’s voice is whispering in my ear that he cannot be trusted- that none of them can. It hurt me that she could dismiss him so easily and cast such aspersions on my judgment. Of course she didn’t mean to do that. She wants to protect me and I want to… I am ready to jump. I am ready to face the fact that I could get seriously hurt. I am willing to do this and though she has said that she will try to think before she speaks next time I know that she cannot truly understand. Her memories of the beginning are tainted by the ones of the ending and a new beginning seems impossible to her.
I was going to say something witty to tie this up, but there is no witty remark forthcoming and I have no idea how to tie this up.


His Sinfulness said...

As a veteran of a divorce, I can tell you that even the amicable ones like mine (best $574 I ever spent) take a toll on you.

That said, the pain is no reason to stop trying. Sure, romance hurts - it wouldn't be so magical if it didn't have the potential to destroy. It's much like my criteria for hobbies - if it can't kill you, it's not really fun...

Mayren said...

Making friends in actuality is very very hard. You don't have school chums to fall back onto who all have a common goal etc. When i moved to So.Cal. i was without a single decent friend for like 2 and a half years. I have some friends now but not as many as i'd like. When you grow up relationships are hard because people become jaded or carry their emotional baggage on their sleeve.

All that to say - Go for it.
To be cliche' "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all" - It's true (IMHO)

WNG said...

HSBP- That is exactly how I feel...except for the dying part. Hopefully she'll come around. Thanks for listening.

Mayren- I went through the same thing when I moved to VA-and then I just got amazingly lucky and started working in the same office with V. (The office being a little too much like school sometimes...)

karma lennon said...

Friends are hard to make and keep and love is even harder than that. All you can do is try-throw yourself into and don't be concerned about whether you're going to fall. It makes for some interesting experiences sometimes.

WNG said...

Karma- And some good Karma? Sorry- I had to. You're right. I'm just trying to get Mama G to see that. Leading by example, I guess.