Friday, July 20

Me

I don’t particularly feel like quitting smoking. It does not bother me that I am slowly killing myself. There are so many places to go from that statement and I will skirt all of them.
My place is a mess. This doesn’t bother me either. I clean when I feel like it. I don’t usually feel like it.
All I will say about my car is that it isn’t Pookie’s fault that I don’t wash her. Poor baby…
I would rather get hurt than do the hurting. Yet when I do get hurt I tend to lash out. I have scars that will never heal; they will forever be barely closed and tender. I know this and I protect myself as best I can, I have also learned to live with the pain.
I doubt that I have ever forgiven myself. For anything. This sometimes makes it difficult to face the people who have forgiven me, because I just don’t understand the how of it. I can forgive others and move on fairly easily.
I have rarely, if ever, felt truly happy with myself. There have been beautiful moments in my life, but I usually feel undeserving in some way.
I don’t look in reality anything like the way I look in my mind. It’s strange. Sometimes mirrors startle me.
It is entirely possible that I am completely loony. I have been told by someone I loved that I was certifiable and should be locked up. He was saying it as he dumped me, but it has lived in the back of my mind ever since, feeding on the rampant insecurities that also live there.
I am definitely more sensitive than I should be and I overanalyze everything. Each word and gesture is catalogued so that my imagination can run wild with abandonment scenarios. This is all on the inside.
On the outside I am a smartass and somewhat of a goof. I am a chameleon in a way that I think only children of mixed parentage can be. I can talk to anyone about pretty much anything. You could take me to the Ritz, a barbeque or a vegan buffet and I will make a friend.
I’d give you the shirt off my back if you needed it (not the Harry Potter or John Legend shirts, but any others).
I make a big deal over birthdays. A BIG DEAL. Someone should be truly glad that you exist on this planet and tell you that and I love being that person.
I love dogs and babies and turn into complete mush around them. There isn’t much that you couldn’t get me to do for a dog or a kid.
I support the causes I believe in with my money and my time. I don’t have a lot of either, so I am pretty picky and very dedicated.
I have a big mouth and an almost non existent filter between it and my brain…this has gotten me in trouble many, MANY times…
Most of the things that I wish for make me cry.
I am a super fan. If you could get paid for being a fan I would be richer than Bill Gates and JK Rowling combined. There is a depth and breadth to my fandom that boggles lesser beings.
When I love you, I love all the things about you. The shadow and the light. When you are my friend you have a friend for life.
There are all these Memes floating around out there and they bug me a little. How honest are we really? How honest are we about the horrible thing and the great things about ourselves? I’m not asking anyone else to share but I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and I decided to take a leap. This is not all of me, but it is a pretty big chunk of the things that people don’t usually get to know.

13 Comments:

His Sinfulness said...

This is brave stuff. Regardless of the results, you should feel proud of yourself for it. It makes me feel slightly cowardly for living behind my papal persona.

It also makes feel obligated to say that you should quit smoking and learn to forgive yourself...

WNG said...

I like your papal persona and neither of those things are likely to happen any time soon. But thanks sweetie-pope!

Mayren said...

*hug* I'd usually say "awesome post" but i feel that this transcends a mere post. I love it.
You've got more real emotion laid bare than most. I'm so happy I found you thru Mist's blog.
Have a wonderful weekend and
I'm still rooting for your success at not reading Harry Potter when you have other time obligations this weekend.

karma lennon said...

I commend you for your bravery. This is amazing and you remind me of me quite a bit. :) I put up a short truth blog one night in a drunken haze and immediately took it down the next day. It was the ugly truth and as far as I know only 2 people saw it but I just couldn't keep that up. Although I still keep thinking of doing a real one, kind of like this....

WNG said...

Wow guys, thanks. Seriously it was just stuff that was keeping me up last night and I always feel better when I vent to you guys.
Mayren- will power is NOT my strong suit so cross your fingers for me, ok? I'm glad I met you too, co-fan!
Karma- is that why you remind me of me?

Susan said...

This was very amazing. It's hard to be brave. It's harder to forgive yourself...

WNG said...

Susan, you are brave and honest in so many of your posts, so thank you. That really means a lot.

meno said...

Everyone always talks about forgiveness and about how healing it is. The truth is that i really don't know how to forgive, myself or anyone else. And i don't really know if i want to either.

His Sinfulness said...

A famous spiritual teacher put it this way:

"Forgiveness is giving up on ever having a better past."

Karmalennon said...

Did you read Harry Potter???? I got it yesterday and read it! What did you think?

mist1 said...

I have a hard time with memes too. It's not so much the honesty thing. Rather, it seems like I answer those questions in my daily posts. Sometimes, I don't want to tell that much about me all at once.

Great post. Each one of those stands on it's own to me.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This is my first visit here, and I feel as if I've struck gold.

So much of what you say could apply to me that I'm sure you must be a Cancer, too.

Birthdays...YES! The only place we diverge is that I have never read Harry Potter. Please don't hate me.

WNG said...

Meno- I hardly ever know what I want- except for the things I really shouldn't have...so don't feel bad

HSBP- I have actually managed to do that about some general life things...not so much specific people...

Karma- I am trying to practice some will power and save the book for my flight to Boston...we'll see ...

Mist- sometimes I get verbal incontinence...but I'm glad you liked it.

Heart- I really cannot believe that compliment- mostly because that is how I felt when I first read your blog. Thank you. But sorry, I'm an Aries.