Friday, September 28

World of G

This email, "The Terrible Twos" has been going around my office since last night. I'm in a bit of a mood today so I can't say that my answers were always...um...honest, but people seemed to like it and I'm too lazy to post anything else, so here you go.


Welcome to the WORLD OF G MEME!

1. Two names you go by: G and Goddess of the Universe


2. Two things you are wearing right now: Glasses and an invisible cape


3. Two things you want in a relationship: Simon West and Taye Diggs


4. Two of your favorite things to do: fly to Venice on the weekends and hang out at my winter place in Taos


5. Two things you want very badly at this moment: a shot of vodka and a massage

6. Two pets you have/had: Jenna Bush and Chelsea Clinton (both were released back into the wild unharmed, but tagged so they can be monitored)

7. Two things you did last night: Watched Grey’s Anatomy and wrote the great American novel

8. Two people that live in your house: Me and Vin Diesel (but don’t tell anyone)


9. Two people you talked to last: Brad and Angelina

10. Two things you're doing tomorrow: I could tell you, but then a CIA wet team would have to kill you


11. Two longest car rides: on the run from the law in 97 SC-Venezuela/ on 'business' in 2002 Miami to Vancouver


12. Two of your favorite holidays: My Birthday and Valentine’s Day (I embrace the pain)


13. Two favorite beverages: Alcohol with mixers, alcohol without mixers

Thursday, September 27

The Streak

We are three weeks in to the regular football season and that means that we are three weeks in to the football pool in my office. So far, out of an average of 25 people each week I have been in third place, second place, and third again. V and I are two of the three women in the pool and she won the first week. Last week the other woman won. The men in our office are getting a little antsy. There was an impromptu mini conference in the hallway this morning about point spreads and evening up their picks.
They have tried to say my streak has been luck. They have tried to say that I don’t know anything about football. They don’t know how many Sundays of my girlhood were spent with my father on the couch watching game after game and asking (in the way of all children) why? I wanted to know why about everything and Papa G was just grateful to have someone to talk football with. End result- I am a real fan. I know what I’m talking about. I’m not an expert, by any means, but I’m not an idiot either.
V is a college football person, so sometimes she get tripped up on the differences in the rules, but she knows what she’s talking about too. We spend our Sunday afternoons in BlackFinn drinking beer and watching all the games at once.
The guys don’t know that we know what we’re doing, so they’re a little confused. I’d let them in on the secret, but I like that they’re confused.
My loyalty to the Packers and hatred of the Eagles, Steelers (and basically the state of Pennsylvania) may cloud my judgment. The bitterness of growing up with a Bills fan will always be with me (honestly, who can’t get it done in FOUR tries???). Mama G’s inability to watch a Patriots game will forever amuse me (she truly believes that she jinxes them when she watches, so she calls me during the games). Professional football has always been and will always be a big part of my life.
Just because the guys in the office don’t know that is no reason I can’t take their money…

Tuesday, September 25

What Cool Breezes Do

The air is starting to bite a little at night. The temperature swings over 20 degrees in a day. The skies are clear and the sun brilliant after it burns off the early morning fog. It is early fall in Virginia and in the Life of G.
As always, when there is change, I have a plan. Because I’m trying to put less pressure on myself in the hope of actually getting something done I have not written this plan down, broken it into sub-plots, and color coded it as I would usually do. Instead, I am cruising along, enjoying the warm sun, cool air and my newfound freedom.
It’s going to be All About G for a while; my life, my goals, my happiness are going to come first. I am setting out to be selfish and I don’t see anything wrong with it. There is so much, are so many things that I want to do and I can see them now, spread before me. I know that right now I can’t do any of them. I’m not where I need to be in my life. So the only thing to do is move forward.
Last week I was miserably sick and just miserable in general. As the illness faded and a relationship ended the weather changed. I’ve been swept clean, physically and emotionally. I’m starting over yet again.
Who knows, maybe this time I’ll even clean my apartment.

Hmm…

Nah. Probably not.

Saturday, September 22

A Whole New Interview

Well, I asked for it! I have to thank Heart In San Francisco; for welcoming me into her fantastic blogworld and this meme. So…here we go minions! Buckle your seatbelts!

1. You mentioned in one of your posts that you are a “super fan.” Who are your idols, and what appeals to you about them?

I first heard the Indigo Girls the summer after 7th grade when I was at a Girl Scout camp in SC. We would sing “Closer to Fine” in our cabin at night. There was a counselor there who would listen to all my crazy dreams of fame and fortune in such a serious way that I came to believe they weren’t crazy dreams at all. 5 years later I was a counselor there and still an IG fan. The sound of Amy and Emily’s voices will always bring me back to those two summers.

I can’t remember when I fell in love with William Shakespeare. I love the comedies. Love them. One of the best times in my high school life came on a Saturday afternoon when my mother (who hated reading S in high school because it made her feel stupid) laughed out loud when we watched Much Ado About Nothing. She literally had no idea that The Bard could be funny…or raunchy. Henry V and Midsummer Night’s Dream are my favorites, but I have read them all at least twice.

I once choked on my dinner because Sam Shepard walked into the restaurant where my roommate and I were eating and was seated at the next table. I think every person on the planet who has a father, brother or son should read True West. Shepard is a national treasure.

I cannot talk about Aaron Sorkin without gushing and rambling. I would pay any amount of money you could name to get to act one of his scenes. I own every movie and episode of television he’s written. I watch certain episodes of the West Wing when I need a lift, or an excuse to cry, or just when I need some hope. The man is an absolute genius with language, story structure and wit.

There are people in this world whose talent has touched some chord in me. When that happens I’m yours. I will read your work, see you perform, go to your games and listen to your music. I will defend you against all comers. I will spend my money and my time. I am a super fan.

Of: The Green Bay Packers, Jodi Picoult, Bradley Whitford, Simon West, Jeffrey Wright, Nora Roberts, Ayn Rand, The Police, Amos Lee, Robert Johnson, U2, Eddie Izzard, Robert K. Tanenbaum, Stevie Wonder.

2. If you were a fictional character, who would you be?

This is a much harder question than I would have thought. My head is now completely empty and now filled with a thousand names. Honestly I haven’t read or seen anything resembling myself. There have been many characters I’ve seen bits and pieces of myself in and I am the heroine in every novel I have read, but still…nope. I guess that means someone should write a book about me, huh? (Either that or I have absolutely no self knowledge at all…)

3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose to make your home, and why?

I have been blessed to travel to many places around the globe and each of them has a piece of my heart, but I would have to say Seattle, WA. Even though I have a great phobia of whales (don’t ask- that’s a whole other blog) and my hair goes completely frizzy in any amount of humidity at all that is still my dream city. I am a city mouse and a country mouse…and picky about both. I want my city to be a real city. I want traffic and public transportation, major league sports and a serious art scene. I want education and an ethnic mix. I want people and noise and lights and bars and… and… and. I also want mountains and quiet green trails through the wilderness. I want horses and shady green places to ride them. I want climbing and kayaking and magnificent vistas and mountains. I have tried the desert and realized I love living on the water. Seattle has it all.

4. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

It would be the fact that I can’t say “Nothing. Everything that I am (good and bad) is an essential part of the whole and I wouldn’t change anything.”

5. Look into your crystal ball and tell me what you see yourself doing in five years. Describe your surroundings, the people in your life, your work and your play.

In five years I will be in Seattle. I will have my own house and I will be able to see the water from my bedroom window (I might have to stick my head out two feet and crane my neck until it almost snaps, but I will have a water view). I will have two dogs, a Chocolate Lab and a German Shepherd. I will be working towards opening my own bookstore. My days will be filled with work and my nights with research on locations and worries about financing. I will still be blogging, driving everyone crazy with each step of opening a business and losing readers right and left. Mama G will visit me a couple times a year so she can spoil her granddoggies and we can have girl time. I’ll have a favorite bar at which I’m a regular and a group of friends I hike with. My life will be full of work, volunteering, good people and great food. There will be a man who sees my strength and my cracks, lets me see his and loves my dogs. I want it all and I’m going after it. Check back in five years and we’ll see…

Interview rules:

1. If you would like to participate, leave me a comment saying "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.


3. Update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.

If you request questions from me, please give me a few days so that I can personalize them.

Friday, September 21

Caramia

“I don’t want what’s best for you
Where would I be when you found it?
You know I’ve prayed a lot about
These bad feelings inside
But I can’t pray my way through or around it.”

I want:
Love
Faith
Hope
Respect
Strength
Comfort
Babies
Children
Grandchildren
A Family
A Home
Healing
Health
Aaron Sorkin writing TV again
Vin Deisel to give me a bubble bath
An hour to lay my head in my mother’s lap
Strong arms around me in the night
Not to have to fight anymore
A place to rest
An apartment that magically cleans itself
Someone to do the dishes when I cook
Two dogs
To get to work with the cast of the West Wing
All of my family in one place for Christmas
All the men who left to come crawling back
All the men I left to forgive me
A great book that never ends
Someone to pay me to blog
A house on the water in Seattle
My bookstore
Friends that never leave
Lazy sex on a rainy Sunday morning
Breakfast in bed
The pain to fade
Joy
To go camping in the woods, or on the beach
To dance around a bonfire
Laughter
To not be broken any more

“And there’s a sea full of faces
And a show to go on
But I’m struck mute at entrance
With nothing to draw from”

In comments: what do you want?

Tuesday, September 18

The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence,

“and the dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave”

I actually had fun this weekend. Papa G and I moved through an undeclared don’t ask, don’t tell weekend with a sort of quiet desperation I think you can only find in families. We both wanted so badly to make the other smile. Laughter became currency and hugs, coin. We were generous to a fault. The only things we didn’t talk about were the things we most needed to. Our relationship is beautiful and awful in its complications, deceptions and assumptions. Somehow we managed to have fun with each other, to give each other that gift.

I also got a night out with V, always a good time, and got a confession off my chest which had been lodged there too long. Why is it so difficult for me to let people in when I need them the most? For weeks now I had wanted to tell V this thing. I knew that she would understand, support me, and possibly have some advice. Yet I kept silent. Saturday night I opened my mouth and she listened, of course, then made me laugh and made me think.

I really have got to stop being such a tremendous jackass. There are things I want in this life and I should have them. There are wonderful people around me who love me and I should let them. There are people who cannot give me what I need and I should let them go. The hard decisions are mine, but so are the rewards.

Friday, September 14

I don't know when I noticed life was life at my expense

Every couple of whatever I make resolutions. I vow to make changes in my life; to bring about the life I deserve yet have been denying myself. I can feel the determination stealing over me as I type this and quite frankly it’s pissing me off.
I never stick to any of these resolutions. I don’t work out, I’m still smoking, I’m not saving money the way I need to and my apartment is not clean. I let people walk all over me and I keep my hurt feelings close to the vest until they explode, splattering anyone in range with tiny pieces of my heart.
Papa G is coming today. He’ll be here for the weekend.
I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending that it’s ok. I honestly do not know if #5 is my father’s wife or not. He wears a ring, she doesn’t. He’s intimated, but never said. I have never asked. Our relationship is a minefield of unanswered questions and possibly false assumptions.
The basic truth is that we don’t really know anything about each other. We are like people who were roommates for a time who try to keep in touch. I can tell you how he takes his coffee and what game shows he watches, but not how or why he thinks about…pretty much anything.
I could give you a song and dance about how all that will change this weekend. We will have a breakthrough and our relationship will turn into something Oprah would showcase on the show and in the magazine. As I said before, I am tired of lying. We’ll have dinner tonight. Tomorrow I will show him around my office and we will buy new tires for my car. We’ll take the ferry and walk around downtown. We will talk constantly and it will be about nothing of consequence. Sunday morning we will go to breakfast. He will check out of the hotel and possibly come to meet my friends at the bar for part of the football games before he leaves. Sunday night I will once again fight the urge to lie to myself and say that things will change. The truth is that we do not trust each other. We have each been let down too many times. Our love is in spite of this fact and is a mangled and sad creature. There is nothing to do but live through it. And though I know better, I cannot help but hope.

Tuesday, September 11

Zoom In On My Empty Wallet

Pater Major went on a little scholarship rant and it got me remembering… Papa G and I drove to Santa Fe, NM from Columbia, SC when I was 17 and completely positive that one day I would be the best actress this country had ever produced. I knew I needed training- serious training because I was going to be a serious actress. I was worried about class sizes and placement percentages (the % of students who graduated with agents or jobs). Papa G wanted me to get a good liberal arts education and he didn’t want to bankrupt the family doing it.
We had an appointment to meet with the head of the Theatre Department at CSF in the morning. I had three pieces prepared and another in my back pocket just in case. I also had a song and a dance routine ready. I watched TV, fought with Papa G more for form than anything else, and went to sleep. The next morning I forced myself to eat and my hands to stop shaking. There are some colleges in the US where you can be accepted to the college and then choose the Theatre Department. CSF is not one of those colleges. You had to be accepted to the Department based on your audition and even then you could be dropped from the program after your sophomore year.
I could tell you about how beautiful the campus and the theatre both were but I would be lying because the truth is that I didn’t see anything that morning. The campus and the desert I came to love did not register as we made our way to Weck’s office. All I saw was a massive portrait of Greer Garson smiling down at me from the lobby wall. Of all the things I remember about CSF, that portrait remains most vivid in my mind.
We met in Weck’s office first. Papa G and I sat on the couch while he and Weck (Dr. Weckesser) proceeded to ignore me for the next half hour. My father was trying to talk to Weck about scholarship money and Weck was gently, but firmly, ignoring him. Finally he invited me downstairs to one of the rehearsal rooms. It was a dance studio with a wall of windows and two of mirrors. There were two chairs. Weck sat on one side of the long room and motioned for me to take the other chair. I was halfway through my second piece when he stopped me and gave me an adjustment. I can’t remember what it was now, but I knew then it was a test- to see how well I could take direction, keep my nerves under control and do the work. Less than ten minutes after we left Papa G we were back and Weck was ready to talk scholarship money.
No matter what I’ve lost over the years I will always have those memories. Weck’s face as he nodded at me when we left the rehearsal room, the quiet respect in his eyes and something almost proprietary. My father’s face as we walked back into the room and Weck announced that CSF would be lucky to have me and why don’t we see what we can do to make this affordable…it was priceless. Priceless to me because for the first time in my life I had done something that he couldn’t do, he couldn’t comprehend a world in which my talent meant more than the SAT scores he had sweated over (and made me retake three times). He saw a bright young woman, but he never saw an actress until that day. He never really believed in me that way, never believed as I did, but that day is undeniable proof that I was more than good, more than a bright young woman. That scholarship meant more to me than I can express even now. There were other auditions after that. There was NCSA, Julliard and Carnegie Mellon; there were agent auditions and show auditions. That scholarship audition is still, for me, proof and validation. For a moment in time my father saw me as I was instead of as he wanted me to be. That moment has never come around again, but once in a lifetime is … enough.

Monday, September 10

Don't Give That Girl A Gun

This was going to be a happy post. Honestly. I had a great day on Saturday doing all kinds of nothing at all. Then I went out with Joe Saturday night and got to watch him do the lawnmower in the middle of The Taphouse (one of my favorite bars). He was wasted and CANNOT dance so it was pretty adorable. Actually, most people would probably have found it slightly embarrassing, but what can I say? I’m in love, so it was cute.
Sunday was my first all football and Bloody Mary day of the year. V and I met a couple friends to watch the games and we’re in the top slots of our office pool. There was a Bears fan, who gave V some attitude, but V stared her down and I got loud, so we weren’t worried. Add in some gorgeous bartenders and you have a stellar weekend.
Then Monday comes. Someone needs to write me a weepy country song about how weekends get killed by Mondays. Apparently today is ‘Idiot Day’ and no one told me. I have dealt with idiots by phone, email and in person. I was just interrupted in typing this by yet another idiot on the phone- this has got to stop. I am in no mood, minions.
The only thing that makes this day bearable is the fact that I got an apology for V from an idiot who yelled at her on Saturday. Frankly, I was fabulous as I explained to her why the entire mix up was her fault and then mentioned that I had heard that she spoke with V about the mix up on Saturday. She actually stammered as she apologized!!! Yea for me! Yea for V!
Still the total count so far is idiots 23 million, G 1. Pathetic. Forget about the lawyers, the first thing we need to do is kill all the dumbasses.
And how is your day going?

Friday, September 7

What have I told you about speaking to me without addressing me as 'Wild Thing'?

What to do…what to do…
Hmm…
Yeah. I got nothin’.
I’m not working tomorrow for the first time in ten million years and I’m not quite sure how to spend all that free time, besides sleeping. Sleeping in is the #1 thing on my list. There’s always movies, drinking in the middle of the day, or going to one of the local festivals. Somehow none of these things really appeal to me. I would make Joe entertain me, but he’s (you guessed it) working. I’ve been whining about not having Saturdays off for so long that I think I’ve forgotten how to do it; how to have an actual weekend.
I’ll figure it out, but if you want to leave outrageous (or serious) suggestions in comments that’d be great!

In other news:
If you check the countdown clock on the bottom of my page you will see that we are now at 500 days and counting of the Bush (fiasco) Presidency. Time for a happy dance!

In other, other news:
If you minions don’t give some hint as to what you might like to see in the 200th post it will be a picture of an ass. Not mine- you don’t deserve that.


ps. Tell me where I got the title and win a million dollars!

Thursday, September 6

It's Not My Fault

I mean, obviously! Since when has anything EVER been my fault. Papa and Mama G can attest to that fact. So this is how it went down: I was drinking my coffee, catching up on my favorite blogs that I haven’t read in a while (hot coffee coming out of your nose is NOT fun, by the way…thanks so much for that Capt.Smack) and generally enjoying my morning when I saw IT.
It was an unassuming little thing, this button that means so much to me. What do you say when you find the one button that makes your blog complete? How can you explain that you have been waiting your entire life for something, never knowing what it was until you finally see it on Guilty With An Explanation. It’s a blame button minions! Let the fun begin!!!



Now, how do I narrow it down? There are no rules in the blame game thus far that I know of, so I’m going to make some of my own. I will blame three people I have reason to believe actually read my blog and three that I know don’t/can’t/wouldn’t if their lives depended on it. Enjoy.

I blame Meno for the jealousy I feel each time I read her page. The pictures alone are enough to make me green. You really have to lower your standards woman!

I blame Pater Major and Flynn for my new addiction to the BV Trinities. They are too adorable to be so disturbed! I cannot fight the combination, it’s saps my non-existent willpower, so cut it out!

I blame Mist for deciding that living a life was more important than blogging about one. That’s crap. Oh, and then she pops into my blog and says hi and I get all excited and run over to hers and…nothing. No one home. Tease.

OK- Blame Part Deux

I blame Brett Favre for the dream I had last night… sigh…

I blame Mama G for my addiction to Suzanne Brockman novels (there’s a new one out now!)

I blame Capt Smack for the hot coffee shooting through my nose this morning. NOT funny, NOT sexy, NOT COMFORTABLE!!! No one should be that amusing that early.

So, there you have it. If you didn’t get blamed this time, don’t worry. I know what you did and I will blame you for it at some point. Remember, pointing the finger is fine, but if you swing it my way I’ll snap it like a twig and shove it up your nose.
Have a Happy Day!

Tuesday, September 4

The Heart of a Star


It was a long weekend for me, too. I had two whole days off! Instead of my usual running around like a chicken with my head cut off and trying to get ten million pointless things done in a vain attempt to lighten my weekday load I decided to loaf. I used to be a champion loafer (I have ribbons), but lately have joined the crazy American rat race of getting nothing done yet somehow never having any free time. Well, bollocks to that! (Sorry, I was emailing a friend in the UK earlier and I can’t help it…) So, I slept. I read. I took a long walk with some friends by the water and talked about whatever randomness popped into our heads. We rode the ferry between Portsmouth and Norfolk for an hour watching the people come and go. I saw the Bourne Ultimatum, which was exactly what it was supposed to be and then on Monday…
I woke up in a great mood. The sun was shining but the air was cool. I checked in with the fam and found that life with them was strange, as usual, but good. Called Joe, but he was at work. I watched some tearjerky (yeah I made that word up- what?) Rachel Ray while I feasted on Dunkin’ Donuts. Life was pretty swell. I decided to go the movies by myself. When I was in high school I would go to two or three movies in a day on the weekends. I was a junkie. Part of me misses that time alone in the theatre. I’ve been thinking a lot about high school lately. Anyhoo- I took a shower, got dressed and took myself off to see Stardust. Then I went to see it again. I’m not kidding. Everyone I know who’s seen it has been comparing it to the Princess Bride, so I won’t. I will say that I love the way it made me feel. It was the best fairy tale I have ever seen (not the best movie) and I was on a movie high for the rest of the day. I’m actually still getting a bit of a glow as I type this. So all I can say is go see it. Now. See it on the big screen before you miss your chance for a movie screen sized Robert DeNiro in drag. “It’s ok, we always knew you were a bit of a whoopsie!”

Saturday, September 1

When the Pope's away...

First let me say that this is not my fault (it never is, but I feel the need to reiterate the obvious at random intervals- it’s a quirk and partly responsible for my copious amounts of charm and the broken hearts strewn in my wake). I have been a fan of BV for ages…months, at least and I feel I have done my part. I gasped with pleasure at the attention of Pater Major and Flynn. I had erotic dreams about Flynn’s hair. I reviewed the damn podcast people!!!
Sadly, I must confess, I have strayed. I have been giving my time to Garrett over at This Blog is Not Funny. I haven’t commented yet because I cannot make myself betray the Pater that completely. That was a lie; I haven’t commented because anything I wrote would be inappropriately sexual in nature and lead to a torrid affair between Garret and myself with broken hearts and stalking ensuing. I don’t want him to lose his job because he’s flying to VA constantly (although I hear it is for lovers…wow- HORRIBLE pun!).
G, you ask, are you just trying to make the Pater and Flynn jealous? Minion, I reply, shut your fucking before I shut it for you! As you scurry into the corner in awe of my wrath (and slightly aroused) my voice gentles and I wave you back and allow you to kneel before me in supplication as I explain.
I am a woman of appetites. I understand that Flynn and The Pater Major are gearing up for another school year. I understand that they are moving and working and whatever else they believe is more important than feeding said appetites. I bear no ill will towards those that have forsaken me. I have not pouted, railed, planned retribution or tried to seduce Mayren away from the flock. I have however begun to read TBINF. In fact, I have read all of the back posts. This has nothing to do with the fact that I am bored out of my mind and stuck here in hell (at work) on Saturdays. No, this has to do with the fact that Garrett is funny, handsome, witty, and sexy with a nice touch of depravity added in for spice. It is not that I cannot be won back by my first loves… Mist returned and was forgiven, as they may be. However, I may be in Texas having multiple orgasms before they realize I'm gone.
Sad for them…