Friday, September 14

I don't know when I noticed life was life at my expense

Every couple of whatever I make resolutions. I vow to make changes in my life; to bring about the life I deserve yet have been denying myself. I can feel the determination stealing over me as I type this and quite frankly it’s pissing me off.
I never stick to any of these resolutions. I don’t work out, I’m still smoking, I’m not saving money the way I need to and my apartment is not clean. I let people walk all over me and I keep my hurt feelings close to the vest until they explode, splattering anyone in range with tiny pieces of my heart.
Papa G is coming today. He’ll be here for the weekend.
I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending that it’s ok. I honestly do not know if #5 is my father’s wife or not. He wears a ring, she doesn’t. He’s intimated, but never said. I have never asked. Our relationship is a minefield of unanswered questions and possibly false assumptions.
The basic truth is that we don’t really know anything about each other. We are like people who were roommates for a time who try to keep in touch. I can tell you how he takes his coffee and what game shows he watches, but not how or why he thinks about…pretty much anything.
I could give you a song and dance about how all that will change this weekend. We will have a breakthrough and our relationship will turn into something Oprah would showcase on the show and in the magazine. As I said before, I am tired of lying. We’ll have dinner tonight. Tomorrow I will show him around my office and we will buy new tires for my car. We’ll take the ferry and walk around downtown. We will talk constantly and it will be about nothing of consequence. Sunday morning we will go to breakfast. He will check out of the hotel and possibly come to meet my friends at the bar for part of the football games before he leaves. Sunday night I will once again fight the urge to lie to myself and say that things will change. The truth is that we do not trust each other. We have each been let down too many times. Our love is in spite of this fact and is a mangled and sad creature. There is nothing to do but live through it. And though I know better, I cannot help but hope.


Susan said...

I'll hope for you too, dear. Sometimes when we lose all hope that things will change, when we've decided to settle for the way things are and just live with it...that's when some miraculous happens. Though it may not happen for you this weekend, I'll be hoping and watching east for a sign of something miraculous..

This weekend you are firmly planted in my hopeful thoughts.

WNG said...

Thanks Susan. I'll send up a flare if anything happens :)

His Sinfulness said...

I truly admire your hope.

That said, there comes a time when we have to let our parents be themselves, and not let it damage us anymore.

If it's toxic, it might need to be lanced and drained, or even removed - but you are the best physician for your own heart. I know you'll do what is best.

James Burnett said...

I'd say keep hope alive. But you'd think I was teasing. But seriously, you should. It's a rare quality that many of us have lost. The fact that you want to hope for better and hope for your goals to come to fruition is a huge step. It puts you light years ahead of the average schmuck who can't bring him or herself to even visualize their success.

In the mean time though, I'll think good thoughts for you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

It sounds like it's been a particularly rocky road, but the fact that you still have weekends now and then means that he has hopes, too.

Could you just tell him that you love him but that it hurts feeling like virtual strangers? Maybe he also has these feelings but is afraid to upset the status quo.

You have my warmest wishes that the next visit will be a new beginning if this one wasn't. Hang in there. Fathers don't last forever and the clock is ticking.

WNG said...

Pater Major- I've been trying the live and let live. Not sure it's working...

JB- I thought it was my cleavage taht put light years ahead of the other schmucks! Thanks for the good thoughts.

Hearts- my only issue is that he gets to lie and hide the truth and I'M the one who has to bend because he's older and time is ticking away... why does no one ever say that he should be trying to come clean and make amends because he's older and time is ticking?