Tuesday, September 18

The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence,

“and the dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave”

I actually had fun this weekend. Papa G and I moved through an undeclared don’t ask, don’t tell weekend with a sort of quiet desperation I think you can only find in families. We both wanted so badly to make the other smile. Laughter became currency and hugs, coin. We were generous to a fault. The only things we didn’t talk about were the things we most needed to. Our relationship is beautiful and awful in its complications, deceptions and assumptions. Somehow we managed to have fun with each other, to give each other that gift.

I also got a night out with V, always a good time, and got a confession off my chest which had been lodged there too long. Why is it so difficult for me to let people in when I need them the most? For weeks now I had wanted to tell V this thing. I knew that she would understand, support me, and possibly have some advice. Yet I kept silent. Saturday night I opened my mouth and she listened, of course, then made me laugh and made me think.

I really have got to stop being such a tremendous jackass. There are things I want in this life and I should have them. There are wonderful people around me who love me and I should let them. There are people who cannot give me what I need and I should let them go. The hard decisions are mine, but so are the rewards.

9 Comments:

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm so happy for your good weekend with Papa G. It sounds as if the doors between you are slowly opening, and most importantly, that you both want them to.

It will happen. The more you see each other, the more new memories will be forged to replace others that were less than wonderful.

The last few sentences of this post sum up beautifully that we all need to accept responsibility for our own happiness, which is easier said than done.

WNG said...

Much easier, Hearts.

Flynn said...

HSBP and I were talking about you and the impending weekend not too long ago. I'm glad things turned out well, and you and PapaG had a good time.

Have a good one hun :)r

His Sinfulness said...

Yeah - what Flynn said; glad it went well. :)

WNG said...

Gossip, gossip, gossip... you guys are worse than a pair of... I have no idea. Thanks kids.

Susan said...

"There are things I want in this life and I should have them. There are wonderful people around me who love me and I should let them. There are people who cannot give me what I need and I should let them go. The hard decisions are mine, but so are the rewards."

Yes! This is the best way I've seen it said in awhile. Go for it, girlie. I know you've got it in you.

Blonde Ambition said...

"the hard decisions are mine, but so are the rewards..."

I love that. I think that applys to me too. Or everyone really.

PS I love that I can actually get on blogger on this new computer in the office. hehehe bitches!

V

Mayren said...

Surein' I'd be glad ta see more good news for your blissful horizon me matey!
Wednesday be talk like a pirate day and hence my strange speech fer yer commentin pleasure.
It'd be nice ta see yer wenchy smile again for all to enjoy since the storm clouds are liftin in yer life a bit.

WNG said...

Susan- You always have my back, don't you? Well I'm right there with you too!

V- hehehe bitches! Damn straight!!!

Mayren- You. Crack. Me. Up.
I thought my office was the only place full of pirates today:)