Confessions

Ok- so we all know how much I love Aaron. And the West Wing is still my favorite TV show ever created (SportsNight is third and the jury is still out on S60) but I have to confess two things.
1) I love Heroes. I do. I am completely sucked into that world and have even spent time wondering what the best special power would be for me. I love Masi Oka. I love that with everything he's gone through he still retains a childlike innocence and a faith in his destiny. I love that someone is writing a character that full of hope and doing it in a way that does not make fun of him at all. Yes- I have been sucked in by the warm-fuzzies.
ok
2) I am COMPLETELY OBSESSED with Grey's Anatomy. I call my mother and my friend Val on commercial breaks. I screamed so loudly last night when Burke proposed that me neighbor knocked on my door to see if I was ok. I think that Isaiah Washington needs several smacks in the head and a good talking to (and probably a fine from ABC) but I can't get enough of his character. We're starting a pool to bet on who will say yes and who will say no. I'm on on Kristina *yes* and Callie *no*.

I actually don't watch that much TV. There are four shows I watch every week--when they're on: Heroes, S60, House and Grey's. Ok and I have a date with George Stephanopolous every Sunday. It's just that I really get into the shows I do watch. So I'm going to come clean and declare my love for my shows to the world. I won't be a closet sci fi lover any more than I will deny being one of the millions of 18-49 year olds making ABC even more millions off of Grey's.
*Sigh* It feels good to get that off my chest!

The Cult of Personality

I don't really feel like talking about S60. I know- shocking. I thought that the episode was well done and I enjoyed it. I really want to see where the Darius/Simon smackdown is going to go and I'm waiting for Jordan to bitch slap Danny or Hallie the next time someone denies her food...but I don't really feel like rehashing the entire thing.

I can't talk about the SotU with bile rising so i'm going to leave that alone. All I can say is that I am living in VA right now and I wasn't shamed by Webb's rebuttal so that's something I guess.

A strange thing is happening to me: I'm running out of things to bitch about. OK that isn't true because that would mean that the Evangelicals are right and the end of the world is nigh. What I mean is that the things that I normally bitch about aren't bothering me as much. I know guys, it's scaring me just as much as it is you. Maybe it's the whole exercising thing or volunteering at CHKD or maybe it's the vitamins with Omega-3s but something is melting away the bitch in me and I must say that it is a little sad to see her go.

I brought food in to work today. For no reason. I tried a new recipe last night (bleu cheese meatloaf with a horseradish crust) and it cam out awesome and so I brought some in to share. I've been sweet all day. SWEET! AT WORK!!! I am as shocked and horrified as you must be. Except I'm not- really. I'm pretty ok with it all--definitely not as freaked out as I should be.

It seems impossible. I've started working out (twice a week- i didn't turn into insane gym rat girl) and spending some of the free time i never thought i had helping other people --all of which has forced me to organize my life a little more ans now there is some nice person walking around in my body. She's not as funny as I was, but her ass is starting to look pretty good.

YEA!!!

We're back tonight!!!

YEA!!!

We're back tonight!!!

Dreams

So, I had this dream last night that I cannot get out of my head. It was perfect and beautiful and part of me feels that by writing it down I'll jinx myself and the rest of me knows how stupid that is. It was affecting though, in a way that dreams rarely are for me. I keep catching glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye today.

I woke up curled in bed between my husband and my dog. The bed was my dream bed that I have drooling over for two years now and will never be able to afford. A wrought iron four poster king. Beautiful. The dog was a chocolate lab and my husband was a man I have never seen before in my life-- which is weird for me. I don't usually see faces in my dreams. I woke up because the sun was coming in through a slit in the curtains and hitting me right in the eyes. Usually that sort of thing would put me into and *extremely* foul mood but I rolled over and looked at my hubby (who was gorgeous, by the way) I realized it was Sunday and somehow that made everything better. Suddenly I was downstairs in my kitchen letting the dog out into the back yard ( I had a beautiful wildflower garden) and putting some coffee on. There were three newspapers on my front stoop and copper pots hanging from the ceiling in my kitchen. Seriously. I had bagels with cream cheese and lox and all the trimmings (capers, tomatoes, red onions, etc) and a steaming pot of coffee on a table on my back porch. I was curled up in a blanket reading the paper and caffeinating myself when he walked through the back door and smiled at me. He just stood there for a moment looking at me and the table, the yard, the dog and smiling like a man does when he is truly happy and then he said "Come look." and held out his hand to me. I took it and went to stand beside him and what I saw took my breath away. The back yard of our house was bordered with evergreens but there was gap about three trees wide where we could see down a hill to the harbor and to downtown Seattle beyond it. Did I mention I lived in Seattle? Anyway there were sheets of rain moving slowly but steadily towards us but the light in front of the storm was so strong that it looked like a curtain being drawn across the bay. The dog came racing back up onto the porch as the rain approached and we went back to our table- the breakfast and the papers. It felt so perfect to be sitting there reading the arts section and listening to the rain on the roof- watching it nourish my garden.

This was how I have always wanted my life to be. I don't know if it was a gift from my subconscious or a glimpse of my future but I am grateful. It was so real that I can still smell the rain coming and feel my hand in his. Whatever it was it has given me strength and hope and yet somehow at the same time has made me feel more lonely than ever. God I want that so much. The pretty little house with the garden and the dog. Someone to love and trust that would see the beauty in an approaching storm and likes to spend Sunday mornings reading the paper. Someone who could see through the sarcasm and smart ass facade and know that this was all I really wanted. For now I'll just have to be grateful for the dream.

A Leap

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(from A Return To Love)

Hope

There is just so much going on right now! My brother was on TV last night—YEA!!! It was Eddie’s birthday yesterday as well so there were transatlantic phone calls and emails flying all day long. They had a fight in his unit for his birthday. A big brawl. Because nothing says ‘Happy Birthday’ like a fist in the face. I’m not supposed to worry though, because no one was ‘really bleeding’. Men.

I’m making a plan. (I’m always making a plan) This one may be on the Oprah side of the fuzzy-meter, but what the hell. I always thought that the only way to get the things I wanted in life was to sacrifice for them. And that is true. But I thought that it had to hurt and that is not always true. It is not always necessary to suffer for one’s art. Lately I’ve been suffering needlessly. I have been telling myself that I can’t do things or have things because I want to own my own business and there is studying to do and money to save. There are also 24 hours in the day and now that I’m willing to make use of more of them I’m finding that there are opportunities in every day I was blind to. (That’s the Oprah super-fuzzy part…but true) I’m still working on the plan—I’ll let you know how it goes.

I guess the thing is that I look at my brother, who has worked so hard for so long and is finally breaking through a little and I look at Eddie who can somehow make me laugh from the middle of a war zone and I’m pretty damn disappointed in myself. It’s time to get off of my ass and get something done. Talk is cheap and I’ve got a big mouth. I think I’m on the right track now- and if I’m not at least I’m moving…

YOU HAVE TO WATCH!!!!

My brother will be on Boston Legal tonight at 10pm EST. Can you think of a good reason NOT to watch???? No- I didn't think so! I love you Teezie!!!

YOU HAVE TO WATCH!!!!

My brother will be on Boston Legal tonight at 10pm EST. Can you think of a good reason NOT to watch???? No- I didn't think so! I love you Teezie!!!

My Soldier

My soldier’s name is Eddie. I’ve known him for years, since he was a cadet at the Citadel Military College in Charleston. Eddie is one of the best people I know. He is kind and honest and would go to hell and back for a friend. I’ve been keeping up with him through emails and voicemails. The time difference between Iraq and the east coast makes it a little tricky to actually get to talk to each other on the phone, but we managed that a couple of times. He never talks to me about what’s going on there. The only ideas I get of what he must be going through I get from the media because he is adept at not answering questions and I have learned not to ask any more. He’s been gone since April and around Thanksgiving the phone calls stopped. The emails stopped. At first I thought he was moving to another base, and then I thought that I must have done something to piss him off –I thought of anything to avoid having to think of him hurt or killed. I avoided phone calls from mutual friends because I didn’t want to hear about it—I didn’t want to know.
I got an email from Eddie yesterday. I never stopped writing to him and I finally got an answer! He had been transferred and his voicemail wasn’t working- email was tricky. He had left messages on my cell that I never got. It was a comedy of errors that was not at all amusing. What matters the most is that we haven’t lost each other- and for that we are both grateful.
I couldn’t watch the President’s address last night. I just couldn’t do it. It’s not that I personally loathe the man (although I do), and it’s not that I was too distracted thinking about Eddie (although I was). I was just tired. I couldn’t think about 20,000 more groups of friends and families panicking because of a lost email. I couldn’t think of them praying each night that the phone doesn’t ring. I’m tired.
I don’t believe that we ever should have gone to Iraq. I don’t know how we can leave now with the country in shambles. Most of my life I have been a political addict. I read all of the newspapers and I have opinions on every issue. I think people who don’t vote should be kicked out of the country. I have never understood how you could just not care. I am starting to understand. At some point it is too much; too many lies and too many dead and the road ahead is just too hard. There is no trust and too much doubt. I never thought that I could turn away from a problem this complex and politically charged and be this selfish but I just want my soldier home.

In Defense of Aaron Sorkin

"You think I think an artist's job is to tell the truth? An artists' job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention, if we stumble onto truth we've gotten lucky."

That was from "The US Poet Laureate" (West Wing)-- the show that I believe created a lot of the Aaron hatred on the Internet. It was a sub-plot about Internet fan sites that got the attention then--but it is the supposed "unreality" of Studio 60 that's getting it now. Apparently it is OK for the President to be disconnected from reality, but God forbid a television show not be 'grounded'.

Now-you can say whatever you want about anyone you like in this country and as long as you are stating your opinion you're pretty much safe. This is especially true on the Internet where opinions grow like weeds and that is fine. I cannot complain about that- I am a part of it. But at some point I get to say SHUT THE HELL UP! I kept my mouth shut during the first couple of episodes as the show was finding its legs. There were articles all over the place about other shows getting pulled off of the air too quickly and they always seemed to mention Studio 60 with a wink- implying that although maybe NBC should be thinking about dropping it the network wouldn't. I didn't say anything when the Golden Globe nominations came out, though there was much grinding of teeth. I didn't say anything when they started talking about how unfunny the sketches were or when a troupe in LA started doing the sketches that were only hinted at on the show. Although, let me say this. Aaron Sorkin has- for YEARS - written shows about what happens before and after the parts of life we see on TV; Sports Night, the West Wing, and now Studio 60. There is no reason for him to put the sketches on the air!!! This is not a sketch comedy show!!! I really don't understand why people cannot grasp that simple concept.

OK- since we all know that Aaron is not one to apologize I will try to do that for him. To all of the comedy writers out there who are quoted off the record in articles and blogs : I am very sorry that Aaron has too much talent and too many awards to count and is known as a brilliant writer (and not just a 'funny writer'). I feel very badly that after giving NBC a monster hit that won more Emmy,Golden Globe and WGA awards than you can count in 7 seasons the studio execs over there thought that maybe they should give him at least one season to prove himself with a new show when your treatment about dyslexic circus performers didn't get picked up. It must suck for you that Aaron has such a loyal and active fan base and you don't even have your mom in your corner. The fact that each episode is consistently topping the one before it must make you want to slit your wrists because he still has it and you never did...go ahead- we'll wait....

To the writers at the NY and LA Times and the other major press outlets who have felt it necessary to be sly, snarky or downright mean about the show in the guise of defending other shows or "journalistic criticism" please let me apologize to you as well. While you have been writing about TV, movies and plays in order to pay your bills because no one would buy your scripts for TV, movies or plays Aaron has been writing all three. They have been produced. They have been seen. They have been loved. Maybe if you stopped being such jackasses and started paying attention to the work he is doing now he would tell you how it feels. Nah- probably not.

This may sound bitter, angry or rude- hopefully all three because that is how I am feeling right now in case you didn't notice. There was so much talk about how television was rotting the brains of the nation and now there is all of this talk about the new golden age of television. I think that there is more great TV on now than there ever has been. More risk, more thought, more truth is out there on the airwaves coupled with great acting and directing. I love HBO just as much as the next guy. But let's spread a little credit around here please. David Simon and Aaron Sorkin have done more for network TV than anyone or anything since...well...maybe ever. They both proved that you could do smart, inventive television that dealt with real issues in ways we hadn't seen before and you could make it work. If you don't talk down to people, if you make your audience a part of your world they will respond. All you critics who are hopping on "The Wire" bandwagon you came late to the party. Go back and watch "Homicide: Life on the Street" and while you're at it pick up the first four seasons of "The West Wing". Sit down. Watch. realize that you are talking about someone far smarter and more talented than you are and do us all a favor- shut up.

San Diego

So Christmas was great, but exhausting and coming back here was actually pretty good too. The sailor was leaving for San Diego the morning after I got back so… well that isn’t any of your business. I’ve been cleaning and cooking this past week- spending some quality time with my kitchen and thoroughly enjoying the results of my labors. My freezer is now full of soups and chowders and bread. I’m pretty much stocked through February now. I got three new paintings for Christmas, well, they aren’t new they had been hanging at my father’s house and the new wife wanted to make room for new ones, so I got to take my favorites. I have a shiny new gym membership. Everything is going well—so what is my problem?
The thing about the sailor is that it wasn’t actually supposed to be anything. There is no way that I could actually date this guy for any length of time is what I was thinking. So- we are attracted to each other, so what? Let it go at that. Except he’s funny. And he always calls me right when I’m thinking about him- which I do entirely too much. I can’t care about the fact that he’s too young for me when he’s being so damn sweet. He’ll be back from San Diego tomorrow and he wants to go to dinner and talk. So maybe it’s time I stop being such an intellectual snob and let a sexy guy be nice to me. Hmm…