Monday, July 21

how time slips away


Now that the page is blank and empty in front of me I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember meeting you, you know. You became a fact of my life so thoroughly that I can’t remember not knowing you. Of course I had to have met you somewhere – do you remember how it was?
I remember you driving Mama G and me to Best Buy to get her television and move it into her new place. You talked her into using the rebate to get me a Playstation 2. Last week there was a lightning strike near her house and the TV is fried. Do you remember hauling that hulk up two flights of stairs?
When Papa G was sick and I called you…you let me cry on your shoulder and then you asked me if I wanted to go see Harry Potter. It was absurd and exactly what I needed. There was a little kid who made fun of how excited I was during the movie, remember? And after that you started reading the books. I still have the Gryffindor t-shirt you bought me in Ireland.
When were you not there for me?
I had the strongest memory of cooking Velveeta Shells and Cheese in your kitchen. You took me in after Papa G kicked me out, when I had nowhere else to go. I remember cooking in the tiny kitchen while you sat in that chair of yours, but I can’t remember what you were watching. It’s been driving me crazy for days.
I know you don’t remember much of your 21st birthday. We did that on purpose – but you kept talking so much shit about how you could hold your liquor that it had to be done. I have that picture of us walking down King Street and you’ve got a traffic cone on your head. I found that one and the one of you and me and Jenkins at our corner table at Fluids, before all the craziness started.
I remember you called me when you lost your virginity. After we hung up I cried because you trusted me enough to call me and tell me something like that. And then I laughed and was happy for you.
I wrecked it and you forgave me. I did it on purpose – to wreck it and you forgave me anyway. After everyone told you not to. They were right because I just did it again. It was never your fault, Aidan. You weren’t too trusting or too good. You were a friend, father and brother to me. You were always there when I needed you and you let me be there for you. But I was trying to wreck my life and you were a major part of my life.
I hit bottom and I’ve been slowly putting myself back together for a while now. I think that you’d be really proud of the life I’m living. It is simple but it is honest and I try to help people where I can.
I won’t ask you for forgiveness, I don’t deserve it. I’m not trying to become a part of your life again. Honestly the first time I saw you up there on that screen I didn’t recognize you. It was when they cut back to you with your face pressed against the bars, but even then it wasn’t your face, it was your voice. Suddenly it was just you and me in the room Aidan – except you were larger than life.
Do I have the right to be as proud of you as I am, even after all that has happened? I swear I almost burst with it as I was sitting there. I was with a friend, and he thought I had to be wrong when I told him I knew you. He stayed with me until the credits rolled all the way through and there was your name.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and jump up and down and whirl around and yell to the world how proud I am of you. You made it kid! You are on your way. I called Lindsay and Marcus and Mama G and Papa G. Lindsay promised to call Sam. Mama G wants you to know that she’s proud of you too. Marcus flipped out. “One of our own,” he said, “He made it”.
What did Margot say? Your parents? Did you get to go to the premiere? Did you take them? Is it petty and small of me to hope that all those idiots from your high school saw it and are sooooo jealous right now?
I’m sorry that I thought it would be David. It’s seems ridiculous to be apologizing for that after everything that I’ve done, but you understand, don’t you? I’m sorry that I didn’t believe the way you did. But you’re in the movie with the biggest opening weekend EVER. You beat Spiderman. Do you remember when we went to see that together – and you just kicked its ass.
I’m going back, to see it again. I didn’t really see the rest of the movie – my mind split off from it once I saw you. I want to take a picture of your name up on that screen, I want to have that.
I hope that you are doing great. I hope that you know that I have never stopped being sorry – I was sorry as it was happening. You will have even more great things in your life and I’ll be watching, Aidan. I can’t wait to see your name up on that screen again. Next time I won’t be as surprised but I can swear to you now that every time I will be as proud.
It seems so wrong somehow to be saying this now that you’re in a movie. I should have had the guts to apologize to you a long time ago. But I don’t. We both know that. All I can say is that seeing you up there I felt the need to give you a big hug and to tell you …well, everything I’ve said.

I don’t know if you’ll read this. I don’t know if you’ll ever hear – but I needed to say that I have never been this happy for or proud of anyone. You just made your dream come true and I got to see it. I don’t deserve that gift, but thank you.
*minions, this wasn't really written for you guys, but in the hopes that my old friend would read it. If you've seen or are going to see the Dark Knight he's the guy with the cell phone sewn into his stomach. And he rocks it.

16 Comments:

NoRegrets said...

I'm sad now...

WNG said...

I'm sorry.

Big Man said...

You are very brave.


That took guts.

NoRegrets said...

I hope you get back in touch.

WNG said...

I don't think so, Big Man. It wasn't even a tenth of the apology that is needed and still wouldn't be enough. But it was something I did have to get out.

NoR - I don't know if I could actually handle that. I just hope that he understands how proud I am and how happy I am for him.

NoRegrets said...

OK. Otherwise you ok?

WNG said...

I'm ok, my stomach hasn't been enjoying these past couple days though. I'm being good and doing what the doc's tell me.

Slammed at work, sorry I haven't popped by to say hi yet today - but I will soon!!!

Susan said...

How about I just say "tru dat" and send ((hugs))

NoRegrets said...

Don't worry. I know Susan's more important than me. ;-)

I'll send you a special {hug}.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

That is the best part of writing to get it out there in the universe.

That was very awesome of you! The fact that you wrote this shows growth. Don't beat yourself up for not apologizing for more, because the amount of stregnth it takes to just say I'm sorry I was wrong is a very honorable thing, Missy.

I am so going to look for your friend when I go see the movie.

Beautiful and honest post.

-OG

OG, The Original Glamazon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
slag said...

You are very brave.


That took guts.


Ditto.

Gye Greene said...

At least it's kinda cool that you know someone from a major movie.

--GG

Jonah K. Haslap said...

I actually skipped most of this out of respect for you. But I do appreciate the goal. I've often written emails that I never sent. Writing is therapy, and you don't even need medical insurance to do it. Good for you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Aidan sounds like a very good friend, so I think he knows how you feel. A strong connection between people can't be destroyed.

Sending a warm hug to you in case you can use one.

WNG said...

Everyone:

Thanks. Really. I don't know what to say anymore, so I'm going to be quite for a day or two. I'll come visit you guys though.


Anyone who hasn't been to Jonah's blog lately should GO NOW, he has a beautiful (and funny) post up.