Tuesday, October 14

last night, she said

Everyone is either getting married or pregnant. Not me. I will live the rest of my life single and childless and die surrounded by my loyal dogs who will be named after obscure movie characters and will probably end up snacking on my corpse beacuse of it waaaay before anyone thinks to come looking for me. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything...

Actually, I've been pretty excited about the babies. The weddings are kind of a wash. On the one hand you have to find a dress and shoes and blah, blah, blah but on the other hand there's the open bar. When it comes to the babies it's all good. You get a built in designated driver, an excuse to buy baby clothes and toys and at the end of it there's an adorable baby that you get to cuddle and love without having to go through labor. It's a total win-win.

Until you get a text one evening that tells you that A. lost her baby that afternoon. What can you say to that? What can you do except call and pledge your love and support in any form it may be needed? How can a friend replace the love and wonder of feeling your child grow inside you? Or help you through the guilt, grief and pain afterwards? I have, verbally and with the written word, put my arms around her and I will do it in person soon. Other than that if you could all please pray or send some good thoughts or whatever you do so that A and M make it through this and come out on the other side together.

If you have any ideas on how I can help my friend please let me know.


Deacon Blue said...

Just be supportive right now.

This happens to women a lot more than most people realize. I don't know how far along your friend was...I hope this wasn't a stillbirth. Mrs. Blue knew one woman who had to give birth to a dead baby and that took a year or more to begin moving beyond.

At some point, you may be able to point her to some resources or remind her that the body sometimes knows best in these matters, but for now, just be there I think.

His Sinfulness said...

I agree with the good Deacon, and I will add that listening is probably the best thing you can do. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it right now, she may at some point. When that time arrives, be still, and listen. A real hearing of our pain is sometimes the only treatment that brings relief.

I am not Star Jones said...

I'm sorry for your friend and her husband.

I agree with His Sinfulness and Deacon...
be there to hold a hand, provide a hug and listen.

I think that's the best gift you can give your friend.

WNG said...

Thanks guys. That was plan (Imean, plus vodka) but I have to admit I was hoping for some miraculous healing advice. Hugs and a good ear will have to do though.

This is one of those times when a shite thing happened to a great couple.

Monty said...

What has been said is true. There is no magic healing. Grief is a two year process. Make sure they get grief counseling, it is critical. There is a cycle that they will go through, and it is good if there is a professional involved.

Make yourself available. This is not a situation for vodka, sorry. Vodka keeps you from dealing with it. Vodka is for fun times, like the Innauguration.

I hope this helps a tiny bit.

Monty said...

My condolences to your friends for their loss.

Gye Greene said...

Good blog post -- but rough stuff.

Yeah, we had that. Tell your friend that it's amazing how many people come crawling out of the woodwork with similar stories: it's just not something people tend to bandy about.

If a couple's been going through fertility treatment, and/or they end up having any more kids, then it's **really** hard. If they **do** manage to have another kid, that even though the new kid isn't a **replacement** for the one that was lost, it's a bit of a "parallel universe" (go rent the Gwenth Paltrow SLIDING DOORS) movie as to which kid you end up with. In our case, we would've had a second daughter, and then stopped. Instead, we have an eldest daughter, plus twin boys. It would've been swell to have the daughter -- but it's hard to imagine **not** having the two boys (which, if we'd had the second daughter, we wouldn't have had -- would've stopped at two kids).

Not so much "it's all for the best" (I hate that) -- but rather, contingencies and happenstance. Maybe by forgetting your wallet and having to go back home and thus being late for work that day, maybe you missed out on having a car accident. You never know.

Anyhow, plz tell that that you DO eventually get used to it. You'll still be a little piece of sad -- but it'll only rise up now and again.


Susan said...

I lend my thoughts of comfort to your friend through this time.

I knew a girl once who swore the only thing that got her through going through a situation like this one was the sex and the city episode where Charlotte loses her baby. She said it was her only comfort, as lame as that may be.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

You've been given the most crucial advice already: listen, and don't tell her it was for the best (she will accept this for herself at some point).

I'm also going to advise to take your cues from her. If she is overwhelming saddened by this loss, then treat it as you would the loss of any child, and then the suggestion for grief counseling could be a great help. If, however, (and this doesn't seem to be the case based on what you wrote here) she is handling the loss easily, then do not try to understand why she's not more upset or try to bring out any sad emotions in effort to help her process. Some women really don't get that mother-child bond right away, or during pregnancy at all, and won't be feeling like they just lost a baby or all the hopes and dreams for their child-to-be, but no one should make this kind of woman feel guilty for her lack of heartbreak because they see it as a greater loss than she does.

One last thing, a blogger friend of mine is currently going through her third miscarriage and wrote a piece for health.com on exactly this topic. Take a read. It is really honest and applicable.

WNG said...

You guys are all awesome. Seriously, I have the best blog friends in the world.

A and her husband are going to be ok. She's seen her doctor and been reassured that she'll be able to have another child. So far I've just been listening, but we're planning a girls night soon with two other women. There will be hugs and probably bowling and definitely chocolate ice cream.

Thank you all for your ideas and good wishes. She's read this and she appreciates it.

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