Tuesday, February 24


I write my parent's eulogies in my head sometimes and I have no idea why. Sometimes I'll be driving and hear a song on the radio that will prompt the writer in my head to start scribbling. Sometimes i'll come out of a daydream and a phrase or sentence will be there.

Inevitably it makes me teary eyed. I don't want either of my parents to die. It isn't something that I like thinking about. I don't sit around writing any of this stuff down either - this is more like snatches of dreams that float through my mind. They are disturbing and sometimes painfull. I have NO idea why I'm sharing this with you guys except I came up with a great sentence this morning that totally summarized my relationship with Papa G. Of course, I've forgotten it now.

While I'm on this funeral kick - I have a playlist for mine. Well, not so much the funeral itself, but for the vodka soaked wake I'm all set. Here's a sample...

American Girl - Tom Petty
She Came In Through The Bathroom Window - The Beatles
People Get Ready - Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions
If It's Magic - Stevie Wonder
Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan
With or Without You - U2
I'll Work For Your Love - Bruce Springsteen
For The Good Times - Ray Price
A Rose is Still A Rose - Aretha
Steppin Out With My Baby - Tony Bennet
Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra
Strength, Courage and Wisdom - India
#41 - Dave Matthews
Leeds - Indigo Girls

Wednesday, February 18


It seems the NYP ran a cartoon depicting the shooting of the chimpanzee that went on a rampage (which is sick enough) and the tagline referenced President Obama. I'm not going to link to the cartoon. I know you can find it ten million other places on the web.

It's sad that people in this country still try to deny their fellows citizens humanity based on skin color.
It's sad that other people think it's funny.
So - no more gossip rag for me.
All I have to say is: FU NYP.

Saturday, February 14



MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family tree templates - Pedigree

I don't think I look like any of these people...but apparently the computers do!

i heart you

I'm at work. On Valentine's Day. Which is fine because I am SO single, but I love my job.
And my minions.
Hope you're all having a great day!

i heart u

Monday, February 9

listen to what the man said

So I'm listening to President Obama talk about the economic stimulus package tonight and something struck me about his arguments for it. He was talking about a specific proposal (I'm going to paraphrase here) to retrofit government buildings to be more energy efficient. Apparently there are some questions as to how this is stimulus. Well first it creates and/or saves jobs immediately, because someone has to plan and then do the actual work, so there are people who get paychecks they can then use to pay bills and feed their families, which sounds like stimulus to me. Oh, but it will also end up saving the taxpayers money on fuel to heat and cool those buildings, so we could use the money to do other things. And then there's the added bonus that we won't be wasn't that energy anymore. Like he said - how is this a bad idea?

He basically just laid it out there, step by step. In the half hour I've been watching he's done that over and over. Someone asks a question and he takes them through the answer step by step (except on Iran, because he totally didn't want to answer that one).

I'm reading my book and listening with half an ear but I keep glancing up at the TV because something is different. Something has changed. It's more than the fact that we have a President who can talk in complete sentences without bumbling and shuffling and whinig about how it's hard. It's that I'm hearing something out of Washington that I haven't heard in a damn long time...

what's that sound?


I'm just sayin'...

Sunday, February 8

I had my good eye to the darkness...

and my blind eye to the sun...

I hate being sick-it gives me too much time to think. I can’t really do anything else. I’ve read all the books I own and I don’t have the energy to get myself to the library. I’ve seen all the movies I own and don’t really feel like watching them again. There isn’t anything on TV that holds my interest, so I take some NyQuil , put in a West Wing DVD and doze.

I’m a horrible patient, even for myself, and this round of sickness – a head cold that I’ve had three times in as many months, is straining my relationship with me. My mind skips in fits and starts across my past and my dreams become disturbing, filled with images that make no sense and leave me questioning myself when I wake.

Whoever came up with that “sticks and stones” nonsense should be shot, because it just isn’t true. Years ago he told me that I was insane and should be committed and I have never been able to shake the sound of his voice saying those words from my head. They tainted all the wonderful memories of his voice before them. Even though I know it isn’t true. Even though I know that everything he said then was a palliative to make it easier for him to excuse kicking me onto the street, literally, those words crop up again when I am at my most vulnerable. They make me want to tell all of his secrets to the people he loves. They make me want to hurt him. They make me realize why victims of crime should never sit on a jury.

Then I think about Nicole andVal and Susan and how alike they are. Do I attract a certain type of friend? Nicole in high school, Susan in college, Val now. I’d be fine with it except for the fact that I seem to have to lose one to move on to the next. I miss you, Susan, just not the person I was when I knew you. I doubt that you miss me.

I remember driving down a winding coastal two lane highway late at night in SC and thinking about turning the wheel into the path of the truck coming towards me. I remember thinking that it was a beautiful night to die. Instead I drove home. Still, I doubt I’ll ever drive to Edisto Island again.

Listening to Working on a Dream now sends me back to the nights I stayed up for hours playing The Rising over and over again. So much happened in my life in 2001 that by the time I got that album in 2002 it seemed almost like a lifeline; Bruce’s voice and the bands’ music pulling me up and out of the darkness more than the shrink or the meds. It was not abstract, that music was something firm that I could hold on to when everything around me turned to quicksand.

The days are racing towards my 30th birthday and my last cigarette. It feels like someone dying slowly – every day is a goodbye.

My life is presenting me with so many opportunities to live up to the things I preach. I’m not sure I have the energy to do it all sometimes. Other times I wish I could skip ahead, through the next few months which I am sure will be hard and full of tests and trials. Then again I think that I have everything I need to move forward and that each moment, especially the hardest of them, should be savoured.

Sometimes I look at how far I’ve come and I cry for where I was then, and how far I have to go. Sometimes I look back in anger. Sometimes I look forward with fear. Sometimes I don’t look, I just walk on.

Thursday, February 5

kevin mckidd

maybe it's my latent Scottish blood...but all I can say is... yum! (I am so glad he's talented so I don't feel quite so sleazy)

Really people, go get Rome...or just start watching Grey's Anatomy... or find some Journeyman episodes, or BBC TV...google the man, please!

Tuesday, February 3

it's just a little crush

I mean it's not like he's Kevin McKidd or anything (I really have to get a handle on that - celeb crushes are so weird to me!) but I have a crush on this guy.

He lives at the apartment complex where I work and I've talked to him maybe a handful of times, mostly about apartment stuff. I don't know him. But I like him. I get butterflies when he walks in the door. When I found out about the fire my first thought was that it was in his building and was he ok (he was). Then tonight he told me that he's headed to Afghanistan soon (he's in the Air Force).

Now here's the thing - or things:
Even if he wasn't going overseas I could never actually date him because he lives at my job - it's a big no-no...
And I have no idea if he's even seeing anyone...
And I'm horrible at flirting with guys I actually like...
And he could not be attracted to me or interested in getting to know me at all...
And I am waay too old to have a crush. This is not high school.

But - I like the fact that on any given day I could see him. I like the fact that he's just there, you know? And soon he won't be.

Soon he'll be going to a place where I've lost too many people that I care about already. So, even though I don't know him, I'll miss him and I'll worry about him. I'll hope that he's ok. Until he leaves I'll keep hoping to see him come through the door and smile at me. And I'll keep thinking in my silly, girly heart...maybe...

For tonight I'm listening to Bruce, looking up a vodka we talked about tonight on 'teh internets' and playing Jewel Quest on my computer like the dork I am.

But tomorrow maybe I'll see him...maybe...

* In comments - anyone else out there with a hopeless crush? Any advice for me on mine?

Monday, February 2

bad super bowl commercials come to life


I have never even pretended to understand men. It’s a silly thing to try to do. Understanding the people in your life is a worthy goal, as long as you know that it is only attainable to a certain degree. Understanding a group, however, is completely ridiculous.

I’m a fan of men. I like the way they walk, talk, smell and taste. I like the way they never think I can play poker as well as they can – and so does my wallet. I like the way they try to protect me and they way they can sometimes drive me even more insane than I usually am. I do not, ever, pretend to understand them or how testosterone poisoning actually works.

If it isn’t obvious already, I met a guy last night. I went to a Super Bowl party at a friend’s house and was talking about my new puppy (who I’ve decided to name Bartlet). I mentioned that I told Mama G to get ready for her Grand Puppy because he just may be the only grand she gets and this sparked a whole round of, “But don’t you want kids?” and “But you’d be such a great mom!” These things are true – I will be a fantastic mom and I do want kids but as I said last night, “Where is he? Is he hiding in a cabinet somewhere (we were in the kitchen)? Because I am NOT the turkey baster type.”

Fate, with whom I’ve never had a great relationship in the first place, decided to play a little joke on me. In walked Terry. Terry is yummy – that’s really all there is to it. He’s 35, not as tall as I’d like, but shoulders... really, just...shoulders. Anyway we chatted, because I am quite yummy myself and Terry was interested.

But here’s the thing, minions (especially you single male minions) we are not in high school! Do not try to be smooth or cute. If you want my phone number take a chance and ask me. I realize it’s not the easiest thing to do in the world, but grow a pair and speak up. DO NOT ask to see my cell phone and then just call yourself from it. First of all, I still have a SC phone number, so you just look like an idiot when it doesn’t work and second WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL. Use your words children.

It isn’t the fact that he texted me five times today when I was busy at work and then decided to call me when I didn’t respond to any of them that bugs me(well, maybe a little), it’s still the attitude from last night. Was it Chris Rock that said that a woman knows within five seconds of meeting a man whether or not she’s going to sleep with him and all he can do at that point is fuck it up for himself? I think it was and I think truer words may never have been spoken.

In any case, Terry now has a hole to dig himself out of. I’m not quite sure how interested I am now in the light of sober/hungover day but we’ll see. So guys please, just be yourselves – we’ll either like you or we won’t. Don’t try to be smooth. Ask for what you want, don’t assume, because unless your name is Kevin McKidd you are just not attractive enough to get away with that shiggity.

And completely off topic, I have no idea where my fascination with KMK came from. I’ve never been attracted to anyone who looks even remotely like him. The whole red hair, blue eyes, pale skin combo is SO not my cup of tea. The man just has something. Go get Rome or check him out on Grey’s Anatomy and maybe you can explain it to me. In the meantime I’ll just enjoy:-).