Monday, February 2

bad super bowl commercials come to life


I have never even pretended to understand men. It’s a silly thing to try to do. Understanding the people in your life is a worthy goal, as long as you know that it is only attainable to a certain degree. Understanding a group, however, is completely ridiculous.

I’m a fan of men. I like the way they walk, talk, smell and taste. I like the way they never think I can play poker as well as they can – and so does my wallet. I like the way they try to protect me and they way they can sometimes drive me even more insane than I usually am. I do not, ever, pretend to understand them or how testosterone poisoning actually works.

If it isn’t obvious already, I met a guy last night. I went to a Super Bowl party at a friend’s house and was talking about my new puppy (who I’ve decided to name Bartlet). I mentioned that I told Mama G to get ready for her Grand Puppy because he just may be the only grand she gets and this sparked a whole round of, “But don’t you want kids?” and “But you’d be such a great mom!” These things are true – I will be a fantastic mom and I do want kids but as I said last night, “Where is he? Is he hiding in a cabinet somewhere (we were in the kitchen)? Because I am NOT the turkey baster type.”

Fate, with whom I’ve never had a great relationship in the first place, decided to play a little joke on me. In walked Terry. Terry is yummy – that’s really all there is to it. He’s 35, not as tall as I’d like, but shoulders... really, just...shoulders. Anyway we chatted, because I am quite yummy myself and Terry was interested.

But here’s the thing, minions (especially you single male minions) we are not in high school! Do not try to be smooth or cute. If you want my phone number take a chance and ask me. I realize it’s not the easiest thing to do in the world, but grow a pair and speak up. DO NOT ask to see my cell phone and then just call yourself from it. First of all, I still have a SC phone number, so you just look like an idiot when it doesn’t work and second WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL. Use your words children.

It isn’t the fact that he texted me five times today when I was busy at work and then decided to call me when I didn’t respond to any of them that bugs me(well, maybe a little), it’s still the attitude from last night. Was it Chris Rock that said that a woman knows within five seconds of meeting a man whether or not she’s going to sleep with him and all he can do at that point is fuck it up for himself? I think it was and I think truer words may never have been spoken.

In any case, Terry now has a hole to dig himself out of. I’m not quite sure how interested I am now in the light of sober/hungover day but we’ll see. So guys please, just be yourselves – we’ll either like you or we won’t. Don’t try to be smooth. Ask for what you want, don’t assume, because unless your name is Kevin McKidd you are just not attractive enough to get away with that shiggity.

And completely off topic, I have no idea where my fascination with KMK came from. I’ve never been attracted to anyone who looks even remotely like him. The whole red hair, blue eyes, pale skin combo is SO not my cup of tea. The man just has something. Go get Rome or check him out on Grey’s Anatomy and maybe you can explain it to me. In the meantime I’ll just enjoy:-).


His Sinfulness said...

So... what I'm hearing, is that after that first five seconds has elapsed, a guy could just ask, "Am I going to get any here?"


WNG said...

THAT would be hilarious. Someone really needs to do that. And get it on video.

Deacon Blue said...

I was soooo uncool in my approach to the future Mrs. Blue. But I was real, and that won the day in teh end. So I'm down with your advice.

BTW, Mrs. Blue will be glad to know that red hair, blue eyes and pale skin isn't your cup of tea. I have all three (well, I'm bald by design, but the beard is still mostly red). So that's one less woman she has to keep an eye on.

Deacon Blue said...

I should point out that by uncool, I meant I wasn't suave or polished...NOT that I was an idiot or jerk.

Susan said...

So, last night I was talking to JG and telling him how the meanier I was to a guy, the more he liked me. He told me that in guy language even though I was being mean, I was still talking to the person so the guy thought I was going to give it up to him.

It's really put a new spin on all my relationships.

Big Man said...

Women always say, "Just speak your mind" then get mad when you say some stuff they don't want to hear.

Now, I agree with you that you have to nut up and be direct when approaching a woman for the first time, but I think women believe that men understand their signals better than we really do. Many of aren't really sure a woman is interested in us until we have our tongues down their throats.

Somebody like you, at least from the little I know of you, is so bubbly and nice and smiley that you probably get a lot of cats thinking you're interested in them simply because you're being your regular self. This guy may have been burned in the past by assuming a chick was feeling him who wasn't and therefore is a little shy.

Finally, most women have no idea how much courage it takes to holla at a stranger. Even those women who regularly approach men don't get the same experience that men get because most men will take just about any woman's number if there is a possibility for some sex. Even if they don't like you. Women aren't like that, they only give you a shot if they like you, and that makes the whole situation more nerve-wracking. At least it did for me.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweetie, men are just not like the rest of us. When I hear the term "mixed marriage," I always assume they're talking about a man and a woman. (And I'm straight.)

Terry sounds quite immature. If you have to house train a man, it's probably not worth it.

Good luck with your new puppy! Post pictures, please. (I wuv doggies.)

catnmus said...

He could be immature, or he could be a stalker-in-training. Texting someone five times the day after meeting them, and then CALLING when they don't respond to the texts, is obsessive behavior. Especially when he's 35 and not 20. Be careful with this one...

WNG said...

Like Mrs Blue would really worry about me! Ha! But I would much rather have a real conversation than try and deal with some act. I say always go real.

OK Big Man, I never promised that just b/c someone was real I'd like him, I'm just saying I'd rather have the real. And I know that it's gotta' be hard to ask for a number, but it's necessary :-)

Seriously Susan, sometimes I think we were separated at birth.

Wasn't there a movie from the 50's called How To Train a Man (or Husband or something) Hearts? I want to say it was a Doris Day/Rock Hudson pic. Hmmm... anyway, I agree with you. If I have to teach him not to chew my shoes, he's out!

Don't worry too much, catnmus, I've already told him I'm not interested and he's backed off. But thanks :-)

Gye Greene said...

Shoulders: My wife likes shoulders, too. Apparently, I have good shoulders.

Susan: I'm a guy, and for me, rude/mean gals is a total turn-off. But, that's just me (married a real sweetie, so...).